Tag Archive for: family therapy

craving

Feed the Craving

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That just about sums up the way most of us live. I noticed the sign at the entrance near my office today. It reminded me that I was craving sugar, or really bread.

We are “Craving” or spoiling ourselves to death!

Today was the third day of my attempt to follow the Whole30 Diet. After 3 days, I have a headache.

I’ll finish the 30 days because I want to be healthy, and also because there is something about NOT feeding the crave. There is something about NOT giving into all of our appetites, all of our desires, or all of our passions.

I read a book many years ago when I was taking a religious elective in college. It was, “The Freedom of Simplicity: Finding Harmony in a Complex World,” by Richard Foster. It challenged me to take a look at my life and think about ways to simplify it. Foster encouraged his readers to consider ways to divest themselves of things, events, friends, and ideas that eventually rob them of serenity. We believe that attaining wealth, friends, status, or attending the next concert will bring us happiness. We feed the cravings, but the cravings never go away. They are never satisfied.

So, I’m “Starvin’ the Cravin’” for 30 days. I’m not going to eat any table sugar or anything that has added sugar. I’m not going to eat bread (ouch) and I’m not going to eat any grains, dairy, and cheese. For the next 30 days, I’m going to go without any alcohol (boring!). I’ll do this and maybe, just maybe I’ll drop a few pounds and I’ll lower my risk of heart disease. Hopefully, I’ll get through these next 27 days and I’ll grow stronger, not just physically, but mentally.

Think about a craving that you continue to feed, but one that you’d like to starve to death.

I wrote a Blog titled The Unpopular Notion of Self-Denial in December of 2018. Here is what I wrote:

The Stoics believed that accumulating fame and fortune rarely if ever contributed to the Good Life. They believed that happiness did not come from getting the things that we desire, but rather, from learning to desire the things that we already possess. We learn to desire the things that we possess by periodically denying ourselves of them.

“We accomplish this,” writes Irvine, “by allowing ourselves to become hungry or thirsty, even though water and food are at hand, and we might sleep on a hard bed even though a soft one is available.” When we do this, Irvin asserts that we receive three benefits: 1) It will harden us against any misfortune that might befall us, 2) We will grow confident that we can handle any discomfort that might befall us, and 3) It will help us appreciate what we already have. 

In other words, Self-Denial helps us grow!! It is when we periodically deny ourselves of the things that we desire and possess, that we learn the value of our things and the value of life.

So, I’m purposely going to deprive myself from the cravings that I have with hopes that It will change me. Give it a try!

Nutritional and Medical Disclaimer for True North Counseling, LLC

In viewing this website (and blog), it is assumed that you understand and acknowledge that the services and information, provided by True North Counseling, LLC may involve recommendation to improve your general health, fitness and well-being, including nutrition/diet advice and suggestions for physical activity.  In accepting this information, understand that it is under your best discretion to be respectful to your body when engaging in physical activity and/or changing dietary habits. It is recommended to consult with your primary physician before starting any new/recent exercise or eating routine and to get annual check-ups to assess current health and fitness status. Do not overlook the importance of having a team-approach when health is involved. Regular visits with both your physician and registered dietitian will allow you to create the best possible, balanced approach in meeting health and performance/fitness goals.

sugar

Sugar. Sugar. Sugar.

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If you’ve been reading my blogs, you know that I’m a Psychotherapist, and a Personal Trainer with a background in fitness and general nutrition. I am not a Registered Nutritionist (see Disclaimer below). I’ve done a lot of reading over the past 2 or 3 years and recently I have been reading about sugar.

Sugar is killing us. There I said it. I’ve written several Blogs that will be posted during the weeks leading up to Halloween and the Holidays.

Two-Thirds of Americans are overweight or obese and sugar is the primary cause. It’s addictive. Try going off sugar for 30 days. That’s what I did, and I’ll share my journey and the health benefits of getting rid of “Added Sugar.”

Here are some of the titles of the blogs this month:

Sugar – Public Enemy #1

Feed the Craving

Sugar and Acne

The Frontier Diet

Sugar and Inflammation

The Glycemic Index

No Sugar Added

How to Increase Your Insulin Sensitivity

Sugar and Your Children

Sugar and Depression

A Brief History of Sugar

Sugar and Advertising

Sugar and Slavery

Halloween -The Sugar Holiday

I also want to share some of the books I’ve been reading. These include three by Gary Taubes: Why We Get Fat, A Case Against Sugar, and Good Calories, Bad Calories.

I’ll share a book for parents about the effects of sugar on their children by Kathleen DesMaisons entitled, “Little Sugar Addicts: End the Mood Swings, Meltdowns, Tantrums, and Low Self-Esteem.

I will share a diet plan that changed the way I live and hopefully will help me live many years without hypertension, high cholesterol and without inflammation. It’s called the Whole 30 Diet. You eliminate all added sugar in your diet. I lost 20 lbs. in 5 weeks.

So, enjoy the journey. Think about the sugar you’re eating.

Nutritional and Medical Disclaimer for True North Counseling, LLC

In viewing this website (and blog), it is assumed that you understand and acknowledge that the services and information, provided by True North Counseling, LLC may involve recommendation to improve your general health, fitness and well-being, including nutrition/diet advice and suggestions for physical activity.  In accepting this information, understand that it is under your best discretion to be respectful to your body when engaging in physical activity and/or changing dietary habits. It is recommended to consult with your primary physician before starting any new/recent exercise or eating routine and to get annual check-ups to assess current health and fitness status. Do not overlook the importance of having a team-approach when health is involved. Regular visits with both your physician and registered dietitian will allow you to create the best possible, balanced approach in meeting health and performance/fitness goals.

woke

Friday Waypoints- 8/30/19

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“Get Woke!”

I’ve been hearing this a lot lately. It means something like, “open your eyes” or “don’t be naïve!” As a Social Worker, I am always mindful of social injustice, inequality, exploitation, and abuse in our world. I’d like to think that I’m “woke.” But of course, I have lots of room to grow. 

I was watching a news report this past week about the impact that sugar had on the lives of millions of African-Americans during the years of enslavement. This past Spring, my wife and I visited two plantations outside New Orleans. We left there thinking that thousands of humans were exploited, abused, and killed on these sites. I got “woke.”

I get “woke” when I see young African-American teens pulled from their cars because of the color of their skin. 

We live in a country that needs to be “woke.” It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We simply need to humbly admit that at times we treat others as a means rather than an end. And then, treat everyone the way that we would want to be treated. That’s what it means to be “woke.” 

It’s Almost September

Speaking of “Getting Woke,” you wake up and its September. 45 years ago I was standing in formation at Lackland Air Force Base in Basic Training. It seems like the other day. I am amazed at how quickly time flies. I’m sure you feel the same way. I remember asking someone what time it was that first morning, thinking that it was close to noon. It was 8:30 am. I remember thinking that the next 4 years were going to be the longest 4 years of my life. Again, that was 45 years ago. 

The lesson: spend your time doing meaningful things. That means, calling (or texting) a family member right now and telling them that you love them. 

That means, forgiving someone, right now, who has wronged you, telling your grandchildren how proud you are of them, and holding your partner just a little bit longer the next time you hug.

Life is to be lived! I’m not sure who said that, maybe Eleanor Roosevelt. To me, living life means more than just exploring and traveling and spending wisely. It means loving the people that you have in your life right now. Don’t let another day pass holding a grudge or resentment. 

Book I’m Reading- The Making of a Therapist, Louis Cozolino

There is nothing easy about training new therapists. True North Counseling has two new therapist coming on board next month: Patrice Elmore and Sharonda Tunstull! They have been MSW students with us and will now be joining us as new Certified Social Workers. I’ve given them both this book. We will spend the next 3-5 years helping them become seasoned Psychotherapists. It’s exciting and humbling! It’s what I love about what I do!

waypoints

Friday Waypoints- 06/21/19

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Being a Father

I spent some time this past week reflecting on fatherhood. I look into the mirror and more often than not, I see my father. It scares me sometimes, but not because I don’t like what I see, but because I didn’t expect to see Jerry Neese in the mirror. My father was a very handsome man. I loved seeing him put on his suit every morning to go to work. The summer after I graduated from High School, I worked with him as I waited to enter the Air Force later that Fall. I loved going to lunch with him and his staff and I was so proud to be his son. I remember the morning he drove me to the airport to travel to San Antonio to enlist. He told me that he was a little envious of me because of the the new journey that I was beginning. It’s a wonderful memory. I do not remember ever have a cross word with him. I never remember a feeling of disappointment from him.

We clinicians describe that as having a strong attachment figure. It didn’t stop at 18 years old. It continued until the day he died at 82. I remember those hugs from a 6’ 4” man. I had to step on my tippy toes to hug my father. We said that we loved each other.

John Bowby wrote, “Throughout the adult life the availability of a responsive attachment figure remains the source of a person’s feeling secure. All of us, from cradle to the grave, are happiest when life is organized as a series of excursions, long or short, from the secure base provided by our attachment figures.”

My life has been a series of long and short excursions from the secure base of my father’s (and of course my mother’s) love and acceptance. And they have been happy excursions!

Thank you Dad for being a loving, gentle and strong father for me and my brothers and sisters.

Electronic Nicotine Organization

I’ve been asked to sit on the advisory panel for Electronic Nicotine Organization. Tom Popescu recently started this organization to address the problem with Teenagers using nicotine vape pens. We will look back on these days and see them as pivotal for preventing this young generation from becoming addicted to nicotine and cigarettes. Support this organization!

Tom Popescu, the President of ENO writes, “Our goals are to: educate youth and adults of the consequences of electronic cigarettes, inform policy makers and help shape the debate, utilize social media influencers to expand awareness, counteract the marketing efforts of vaping and tobacco companies, create a support platform and resources for users who are addicted, and develop a mobile app for on demand counselors for users and research.”

Friday Waypoints- 6/14/19

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What I’m Reading

“Changing Body Composition through Diet and Exercise” by Michael Ormsbee, Ph.D.

I’m actually listening to this book on Audible. I’m on the road a lot and I spend most of this time listening to books. Ormsbee writes, “Improving body composition by losing body fat and optimizing lean is not about vanity –it’s about health.”

This book is not about losing weight. It’s about decreasing the amount of body fat in your body and it’s about insuring that you do not lose muscle mass. I like this approach because I do not want to lose weight. My BMI puts me in the overweight category, but that’s because I work out and exercise regularly. I realized years ago that you begin losing muscle mass as you age and I have worked very hard to maintain and grow muscle. I “preach” to clients, “You need to work at becoming stronger as you age.” Maintaining your lean muscle mass is one way of do this. Ormsbee does a very good job explaining the basics of nutrition and puts the focus on the right things.

What Are You Listening To?

Apple Music is introducing me to new music and helping me stay in touch with my favorites. Just hit the “For You” tab on the app and you get the option of “New Music Mix,” “Favorites Mix,” and “Chill Mix.”

Don’t underestimate the power of music in your life. Recently, I’ve been utilizing the Mindfulness Meditation that encourages you to “Step in the Feeling.” This could include “stepping into the sadness.” Most of us DO NOT like listening to “sad” music, but there can be something therapeutic about purposely sitting during a mindfulness session and “stepping into sadness” while listening to sad music.

Of course, listening to “happy and upbeat” music is important too! I’m listening to some past favorites right now and this music is conjuring up many memories associated with that music. Let music by thy medicine.

Families Want to Get Along

One of the reasons I love what I do is the desire that most families have to get along. They want to end the conflict. They come to me hoping that I can help and many times I can.

Raising teenagers is not easy! Teenagers are under a lot of pressure! Neither Parents not teens want to fight and when I see them years later, they scratch their heads and wonder why there was so much conflict.

This week, I witnessed a wonderful family following the “therapeutic map” that I laid out before them. I saw them all working together. And they left with smiles on their face because they saw something work. It keeps my compass pointed toward “True North.”

My Child has ADHD, What Can I Do?

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I began my practice twenty-three years ago working with children with ADHD. I saw kids, usually boys, that were having difficulty with peers, school and their parents. They had difficulty following rules. They had difficulty with getting organized. They had difficulty sustaining their attention. And they were becoming depressed.

It is not unusual for kids with ADHD to also have anxiety and depression. It makes sense. They get a lot of negative attention and it affects their self-esteem and mood. Imagine being the child in school that is constantly getting redirected and spotlighted by the teacher. I’m not blaming the teacher, but kids with ADHD need a lot of the teacher’s time and energy. I can understand it if these kiddos interpret this as, “There’s something wrong with me.” These kids need our help.

My early research and reading took me to the author, Russell Barkley. He is still the Father or Parent of modern research on ADHD. However, I recently read, “Scattered but Smart (SBS),” by Dawson and Guare and I’m glad to say that this book is an excellent addition to the understanding and treatment of ADHD. This book attributes much of ADHD to deficits in Executive Skills. These skills include the ability to initiate and sustain a task, as well as planning and organizing.

SBS doesn’t stop with helping us understand the underlying causes of ADHD, but provides some very detailed plans for improving the deficient skills.

Deficient skills include:

-Getting Ready in the Morning

-Bedroom Cleaning

-Putting Belongings Away

-Organizing Notebooks/Homework

-Learning to Control a Temper

-Learning to Solve Problems

There are lots of resources in this book and I highly recommend it! There are assessment tools that you can use to determine which areas your child needs improvement.

Regardless of whether you get the kindle or hard copy versions, the authors have provided links to download several useful tools.

I also recommend bringing your child to True North at 502-777-7525 and let us coach you in the process of supporting your child with this potentially debilitating disorder.

If You have a Teenager You Better Know about Vaping

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Alarming Trends:

-Currently 1 in 4 Middle School and High School students have used a vape pen or e-cigarette, 1 in 6 over the past 30 days.

-There is evidence to suggest that e-cigarette use increases the risk of using combustible cigarettes.

-Nearly 6 in 10 cigarette users also us e-cigarettes. This is a two-way relationship.

-A recent study found that teens who use e-cigarettes are 4 times more likely to begin smoking tobacco cigarettes within 18 months when compared to teens that do not vape.

-E-Cigarettes are now the most commonly used tobacco product among teenagers.

What are Vape Pens or E-Cigarettes?

They are electronic nicotine delivery devices, plain and simple. They come in many flavors and are called by various names: e-cigs, vape pens, e-hookahs, vapes, and mods just to name a few. Make no mistake, if your teen is using a vape pen, it is delivering nicotine.

Why are E-Cigarettes so Popular with Teens?

Three reasons:

1. Curiosity.

2. Flavors. 8 of 10 teen users use flavored e-cigarettes. In a recent study, the primary reason that teens use is because “they come in flavors that I like.”

3. Teens believe that e-cigarettes are safer. 1 in 5 teens believe that e-cigarettes cause no harm.

Are E-Cigarettes Harmful to Teens?

Simply put, YES!

-Nicotine disrupts the development of brain circuits that control attention and learning.

-Nicotine use by teens can puts them at risk for mood disorders and permanently lowering their impulse control.

-The nicotine in e-cigarettes affects development of the brain’s reward system, making them more susceptible to addiction to other drugs.

-Although e-cigarettes are safer than combustible cigarettes, there are still many questions being asked about the health risks of e-cigarette aerosol. There is no question, however, that nicotine exposure poses a major health risk for teens.

What Can You Do?

First, do not be hoodwinked. If your teen is using e-cigarettes, they are using nicotine.

Second, treat them as combustible cigarettes and let them know that you know!

Third, prohibit the use of e-cigarettes by your teens. I understand that this is not going to be easy, but you have to start by setting limits. You can randomly use a urine test to hold them accountable.

Fourth, educate them about e-cigarettes.

Fifth, if you have tried everything, enroll them in our Stop Vaping-Education Group at True North Counseling. This group is called: Salvage and is somewhat of an acronym for Stop Vaping Group Education. Salvage means: to preserve something from potential loss or adverse circumstances. We want to preserve the health and welfare of your teens. Call 502-777-7525 for more information.

What’s Wrong with My Teenager?

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I’ve been listening to a series of lectures on Audible entitled, “Understanding the Mysteries of Human Behavior,” by Mark Leary, Ph.D. He’s a professor of Psychology and Neuroscience at Duke University. I’m going to be sharing several of his topics over the next few months. The one that caught my eye was, “Why Don’t Adolescents Behave like Adults?” Here are some of his thoughts:

First, there tends to be more family conflict when kids transition into adolescence.

The good news is that this conflict generally is short-lived (lasting the first couple of years of adolescence) and generally focused on minor issues such as their personal appearance, dating, family rules, and curfews. The reason for these conflicts seem to be rooted in the teen’s desire to establish their independence, which is a healthy and important part of their development.

Second, Teens tend to display more rapid and extreme mood swings when they enter into adolescence.

Certainly, hormones play a role in these emotional swings, but researchers are looking at the role that stress plays in mood instability. Leary points out that, “Adolescence involves major personal and social changes and transitions that would be stressful at any age, but for a young person without much life experience, these changes can be overwhelming.” Increased stress equals increased mood instability.

Third, teenagers tend to display an increase in risky behaviors which, as Leary points out, “have the potential to harm them or others.”

I see a lot of these teens, and here’s what’s happening in their brains. This increase in risky behavior is due to the interplay between two distinct networks in the brain. The first network is the socioemotional network. This network process rewards, especially social rewards. As a child enters adolescence, the reward center of the brain changes and teenagers begin to pay more attention to potentially rewarding experiences. The cognitive control network controls what is typically called executive functioning and involves functions such as planning and impulse control. Unfortunately, this network develops gradually throughout adolescence and matures by the mid-twenties. One system is telling the teen to speed up and the other is telling them to slow down. Unfortunately, the cognitive control network can be outmatched by the socioemotional network. It’s like putting a new driver behind the wheel of a race car.

So, to address the question, “What’s wrong with my teenager,” the answer is nothing.

Teens are becoming something. They are becoming adults and stretching the wings that one day they will be using independently. They are testing boundaries that one day will not be there and they are exploring and taking risks that one day will be wonderful growth experiences. But until they become adults, they need our guidance, support, teachable moments, patience, and they need a gradually increased amount of freedom to become the people that you have raised them to become.

I often hear extended family members counsel younger parents. The younger parents are overwhelmed and exhausted with the the task of raising children. Aunt Susan will respond with, “If you think it’s bad now, wait until they’re teenagers.” I couldn’t disagree more! Yes, it’s painful at times watching them transition into an adult, but it’s also one of the most reward times that you will have with them. Understanding what’s going on is the key to looking forward to it and even enjoying it!!!!

Friday Waypoints- 1/18/19

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Family Connections

Sometimes you have to stop the work you’re doing, put down the book you’re reading, turn off the TV and connect with your family. I’m leaving for a visit with my two granddaughters tomorrow. They live out of state and I make it a point to visit with them 4 or 5 times a year. Grandpa brings them things. So, this week I went to the Carmichael’s Children’s Book store on Bardstown Road in the Highlands for some “Grandpa-what-did-you-bring-us?” presents. If you haven’t been there, I encourage you to visit.

I also collected some geodes from the Kentucky landscape to crack open with my little Sweeties. I can’t wait to watch them as they discover what’s in them.

And for my oldest granddaughter, I’m taking her a copy of Peterson’s Field Guide to Western Birds and I’m giving her an old pair of my binoculars, and then I’m taking her birding. This is how I connect with them. Later this summer, we’re going on Sophie’s “maiden” backpacking trip in the Colorado Rockies. I can’t wait! This week they were in my thoughts and deeds.

What am I Reading

I’m slowly digesting a recent study by the American Psychological Association entitled, “APA Guidelines for the Psychological Practice with Men and Boys.” My practice is primarily with adolescent boys and most of them are struggling. “Throughout their lifespan, males experience many developmental changes and challenges pertaining to intimacy, sex and emotions, beginning with the universal task of forming intimate attachment with others.” The problem, as the study continues, is that “some boys are socialized from an early age to avoid intimacy and deep connections with others.” I think that our job as parents and clinicians is to help boys and men make connections with peers and adults. I’ll share more in weeks to come.

What I’m Eating

I’m always looking for a healthy snack or for something to throw into my daypack when I’m doing my Saturday hikes into the Jefferson Forest. I picked up some LIVfit Superfood Blend and on the back was a recipe for Superfood Power Up Bars. They are relatively simple to make and full of good stuff. I’ve included the directions and the nutritional facts for the LIVfit Superfood. I’m going to say that the taste is easily a 9 out of 10, and maybe higher. I used raw honey instead of agave. Give them a try.

   

Friday Waypoints- 12/28/18

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Book I’m Reading:

I picked up James Hamblin’s book, “If Our Bodies Could Talk,” to read on the plane during a recent trip. It’s great read. Think of it as an FAQ about the body. He covers topics that are interesting like, “What are dimples?” and “Why are blue eyes blue?” I particularly found his discussion about vitamins very helpful. If you’re convinced that taking vitamins is helpful, you might want to get his book and read this section. There’s a lot of money being spent to convince you that you need vitamin supplements. I decided, after a year of research, that my body does a pretty good job of extracting the vitamins that I need from the food I eat, so I do not take them. What I liked about this book, was the ability to fast-forward through the sections that were less interesting to me.

Meaningful Moment:

The Government Shutdown and Zion National Park- Thankfully It’s impossible to shut down a park. I did some Desert Therapy this past week in Nevada while attending a family get together. This included a drive through the barren landscape of SW Nevada and a couple of day hikes in Zion National Park. (A BIG Thank You to all the Rangers and Federal Employees that are keeping the National Parks open during the Shutdown!) We did a hike to the Emerald Pools and then along the Virgin River to the beginning of the Narrows. Despite it being winter, there were lots of people there. But for some reason, none of that bothered me. The day before, we had done a short day trip to Hoover Dam where there were lots of people as well.

This day was different. The walls of the valley reminded me of my hikes in the Grand Canyon, particularly the hike from Phantom Ranch to Ribbon Falls. It was as if the desert, the Virgin River, Angels Landing, and the Emerald Pools had transported me to another wonderful place. We slowed down and savored our time there. We let nature infect us.

Lessons From My Clients:

Never Go to Bed Angry! Sometimes the lessons I learn are simple. I was speaking to an older client this week about her relationships with family members. She recounted hearing her mother telling a friend that was having marital problems, to “Never go to bed angry!” It’s interesting that this was wisdom that Elsie (not her real name) overheard from her mother back in the Fifties. I think it’s fascinating that her mother didn’t actually tell her that, or at least it’s her recollection that she learned it indirectly by overhearing it. Think about the things that your children overhear you say to your friends and extended family members. We could expound about the wisdom of “Not letting the sun go down upon your wrath,” but I think it’s also important to ponder the ways that we transmit these tidbits of wisdom to our children and even our grandchildren. They hear everything. Hopefully, the things they remember help them for the rest of their lives.

My Advice for the New Year: Get Rid of Baggage!

I had some time to kill at the airport this past week and I used it to clear away some of the distractions and junk on my phone. More specifically, I unsubscribed to all of those unwanted emails that I accumulated over this past year. There were lots and lots. And then I got rid of all the apps that cluttered up my phone. And then I…..don’t look away….I unfollowed or unfriended people on my social media that, frankly, were either not a friend or just honestly annoying. I guess I have a low tolerance for people’s opinions about politics and other personal topics and I was getting tired of being dragged down into the gutters every time I opened Facebook. You are what you eat. You know what I mean? We can’t keep letting junk into our minds because eventually it changes us and usually not for the better. Getting rid of this year’s baggage might help you have a better year regardless of whether or not you make any resolutions. It’s kind of a reboot.

Happy New Year!!!!