Tag Archive for: family therapy

The Hurried Child –Are We Creating a Generation of Anxious Children?

I first read David Elkind’s book, “The Hurried Child,” while in graduate school almost 25 years ago. It provided a course of treatment for me to use with families and their children. I encouraged families to relax and limit the stress that they imposed upon their kids. This stress usually took the form of over-involvement in extra-curricular activities and pressure to excel academically. Elkind asserted then and continues to in the 25th Anniversary edition of his book, that we are rushing our kids through childhood and contributing serious problems with anxiety and depression.

“The concept of childhood, so vital for a child’s healthy development,” he writes, “is threatened with extinction in the society we have created. Today’s child has become the unwilling, unintended victim of overwhelming stress –the stress borne of rapid, bewildering social change and constantly rising expectations.”

People need stress. It’s very important for our body to function and can help create creativity and motivation for being productive in society.

But chronic stress is very harmful and can lead to health issues such as, cardiovascular disease, obesity, and anxiety, just to name a few.

“For some children, Elkind summarizes, “chronic stress is translated into what Freud called “free-floating anxiety,” in the sense that it is not attached to a specific fear of apprehension.”

Childhood Anxiety is becoming an epidemic in our country.

I think Elkind is careful to spread the blame to several institutions for this rise in stress and anxiety with kids and not just parents. These include: the family system, schools, the media, and the internet. I recently reviewed the book, “IGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids are growing up less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy, and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood,” by Jean Twenge, PH.D. “Whereas teens used to hear about social events through whispers,” she writes, “they can now see up-to-the-minutes pictures of exactly what they are missing.” Children and teens are being robbed of the peace and safety of living in the “here and now.”

I remember many things about my childhood: playing with my brother Tim, building forts, and watching Saturday cartoons. I grew up during the Vietnam war and remember seeing soldiers on the evening news. Also, the threat of nuclear holocaust was a constant fear in the 60’s. But we used most of our days living like kids: playing in the here and now.

Unbeknownst to us, we we’re practicing a form of Mindfulness! Playing in the here and now!

Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Behavior Therapy-For Children

At True North Counseling, we want to help children and teens cope with stress and anxiety. We want to help children and teens get better connected with themselves and with the “here and now.” We do this through Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Behavior Therapy-For Children (MBCBT-C). This is done in a group setting and uses evidence-based strategies to help them cope with stress. We utilize graduate-school students and provide this group treatment at no charge to the children and teens that we see for Individual and Family Therapy. If you would like to utilize this service, call 502-777-7525 to set up an assessment for your child or teen.

If you’re worried that you might be contributing to the increased stress and anxiety of your child, read Elkind’s book.  

 

A Guide to the Good Life

“A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy,” by William B. Irvine.

I’m in Colorado visiting my two granddaughters as I write this. I started reading “A Guide to the Good Life” on the plane. It was one of the few times I wanted the flight to last longer. “Just let me finish one more chapter,” I whispered to the pilot.

This is a book about Stoicism and developing a philosophy of life. Classical Stoicism has little to do with the modern definition of a Stoic: One who is seemingly indifferent to or unaffected by joy, grief, pleasure, or pain.

“I discovered,” writes Irvine, “that the goal of the Stoics was not to banish emotion from life, but rather, to banish negative emotions.” He explains that a “philosophy of life” is the guiding principle for living, or a way of living that hopefully leads to The Good Life.

Irvine explains that The Good Life has little to do with prosperity. Many people have experienced The Good Life despite the lack of prosperity and, of course, think of all the people that are very prosperous and yet are unhappy and miserable.

I’ll be sharing several Stoic Techniques and ways of living as I digest them. They “hit a nerve” with me and I hope they will with you as well.

Stoic Technique One: Negative Visualization

At the very root of our nature is the notion that we are insatiable. We are never satisfied with what we have. Irvine describes this as the “Satisfaction Treadmill.” We desire something and acquire it. We lose interest in it. We desire something else, and so on. This is also called “Hedonic Adaptation.”

We have all witnessed this in our lives. The new car. The new computer. Fill in the blank. The result is that we experience a lack of happiness with the things in our lives, the people in our lives, our health, our job, and life itself.

One technique for getting off of this treadmill is Negative Visualization.

“This is,” Irvine writes, “the single most valuable technique in the Stoic psychological tool kit.” This technique involves periodically visualizing the possibility that the enjoyment of the people and things in your life will come to an end.

-Regarding our children, when we kiss them as they leave for school, remember that they are mortal and not something that we own. They have been given to us but possibly gone tomorrow.

-Regarding a job, visualize losing it due to no fault of your own.

-Regarding your health, reflecting on what it would mean to lose it due to an accident or illness.

-Regarding your spouse or partner, think about losing them to death or to divorce.

This is not intended to be morbid or for the purpose of robbing you of the joy that these people, activities or things bring to your life.

Rather it is intended to:

-Help you cherish every kiss from your spouse, your partner, or your child.

-Help you appreciate getting up and going to your job each day.

-Get you out and enjoy the health you do have rather than the health problems you have.

-Embrace the life that you have each day.

-Learn to desire the people and things that you already have.

Irvine concludes, “Negative Visualization, rather than making people glum, will increase the extent to which they enjoy the world around them, in as much at it will prevent them from taking that world for granted.”

There is something sobering about thinking that all things and people in our lives are temporary and impermanent. It is sobering to visualize that the life we have will come to an end and that we will eventually lose everything.

This Stoic technique helps us to take live one day at a time and treat the people in our lives as precious and priceless.

I think this is a worthy Philosophy of Life that will help lead us to The Good Life.

I’ll be sharing additional Stoic Techniques in upcoming Blogs. Stay tuned.

Friday Waypoints – 12/07/18

Books I’m Reading:

I had a “down day” this week due to an Upper Respiratory something-or-other and I found myself at home reading books about Sleep. It all started because I did not get a good night’s sleep due to the medication that I was taking to help me with the coughing.

As I’ve gotten older, a good night’s sleep has been at a premium. And what I discovered in my reading this week is, the older you get the more problems you have with sleeping, and if you have problems with sleeping, you’re going to have problems with your health and mental health. Here are the books that I’m reading:

“Why We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams,” by Matthew Walker, PhD

“Sleep Smarter: 21 Essential Strategies to Sleep Your Way to A Better Body, Better Health, and Bigger Success,” by Shawn Stevenson.

The first book is more clinical, but very helpful in understanding why we have problems sleeping. The second book is very practical and is full of ideas to practice better “Sleep Hygiene.”

 

Quote I’m Pondering:

“We have to spend a moment distinguishing between what is ours to take charge of and what is not. Then, simply, we only bother about the part that is. Magically, the overall results will then tend to improve.” Derren Brown from his book, “Happy: What More or Less Everything is Fine”

 

Meaningful Moment:

It is so much fun seeing families and their teenagers get better! “We’ve have a very good week.” Those are wonderful words for a Family Therapist to hear. I heard some version of that several times this week and it gives me hope. Some do not, and I also had my share of hearing guardians and parents voice their frustration and despair. So I rejoice with families that are able at this time to grow closer together, and I work harder to help those that are not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Desert Therapy

7:00 AM, November 13, 2018, EC-1 (Elephant Canyon –Campsite 1), Canyonlands National Park, Utah

There is nothing like the silence of the desert. This very cold morning (20 degrees) is only interrupted by the quiet hiss of the Whisperlite-butane stove heating my morning coffee.

It was cold last night. I had almost all of my cold weather gear on (Expedition this and Expedition that), and bundled up in my 12-degree sleeping bag. I awoke with frozen condensation on the inside of my tent. As I write this, I’m sitting on my 1 lb Helinox chair while the sun is rising.

As I gaze on the canyon walls, the cedars, the dry stream bed, I have a sense that I’m better than most people, but no, rather luckier than most people. Very few eyes, relatively speaking, have witnessed a morning like this, in this place. This place is only for those that are willing to pay the toll. And the toll for this place was a 4-mile hike with 60 lbs. on my back, scrambling in and out of canyons and over slip rock.

As I witnessed this new day in the desert canyon, I remembered that I had carried Edward Abbey’s book “Desert Solitaire,” with me, not the paperback, but the digital copy in my kindle.

And so, I spent the morning soaking up the sun and browsing Abbey’s work.

“Wilderness” he wrote,” is not a luxury but a necessity of the human spirit, and as vital to our lives as water and good bread. A civilization which destroys what little remains of the wild, the spare, the original, is cutting itself off from its origins and betraying the principle of civilization itself.”

Abbey wrote his autobiography after spending two seasons in the late 1950’s as a park ranger in Arches National Park. He fell in love with the canyons and the desert. It became part of him.

“The love of wilderness is more than a hunger for what is always beyond reach; it is also an expression of loyalty to the earth, the earth which bore us and sustains us, the only home we shall ever know, the only paradise we ever need—if only we had the eyes to see.”

The wilderness changed him and it changes anyone willing to spend time in it.

It can heal you.

I had come here for healing. Not because of the people and things in my life. But because I needed to become a better person for the people and things in my life: to be a better counselor, a better partner, a better parent, and most importantly, a better human. The water was boiling. The sun was warming me now. It felt wonderful!

Friday Waypoints- 11/30/18

Lessons from my Clients

Solomon (not his real name) reminded me that my efforts and the efforts of the team of people in his life are not in vain.

Solomon is a 26-year old young man, who watched his mother murdered in front of him when he was around 5 years old. She was beaten to death by a jealous boyfriend. Solomon bounced around in what has been called “foster-care drift” for the rest of his childhood. He was sexually abused by the two grown sons of one foster parent. He didn’t finish High School and spent 4 ½ years in jail and prison until they asked me to work with him a couple of years ago. His Case Manager, Abby, from Centerstone has been in court on every occasion and he’s now off probation. He had no ID and no Birth Certificate in order to get an ID. He was denied disability despite his Intellectual Disability. I could go on and on. I helped him order a Birth Certificate from Illinois and we got his ID. Abby has insured that he had a place to live and food every week and TARC tickets to get around town. Chris, from Centerstone is a Job Coach and has a job lined up for him. Mr. Williams from Goodwill is helping Solomon get his GED. Mr. Williams, noticed that Solomon has missed a couple of classes and called Solomon to make sure he didn’t miss any more.

I’ve seen him grow during these past two years. Really, I’ve seen him grow up.

We’ve become his family. Maybe the parents that he didn’t have. We care about him. I pick him up and we talk. I take him to Sunergos Coffee and get him a “fancy drink.”

It’s one of his favorite places.

Mine too!

Book I’m Reading

I continue to study, “A Guide to the Good Life,” by William Irvine. I decided that this would be my Holiday gift to family and friends.

The second Stoic Technique that Irvine shares is “The Dichotomy of Control.” The essence of this technique involves figuring out how much control you have over people, places, and things and then setting goals in your life that reflect the control that you have over those things. As an example, if you decide to play Tennis, it would be helpful to set goals that do not frustrate you and take away your tranquility. “Playing tennis” is an activity that you have some control, but not complete control (sooner or later you’re going to lose).

Instead of setting the unrealistic “external” goal of winning, Irvine suggests that you set an “internal” goal such as: To improve your tennis skills over the course of the next year. You have some control over that.

I encourage you to join me and study the book and begin practicing the Stoic Techniques that lead to the Good Life! More techniques are coming!!!

 

Photo by emme deme designs

Family Hiking Tips

Why You Should Still Hike in the Fall & Winter

Don’t shy away from hiking with your family during the Fall and Winter months as the positives clearly outweigh the negatives:

  1. NO BUGS!
  2. NO SPIDER WEBS! Those of you that have hiked in the summer months, know the experience of having those yucky spider webs get all over your face…I hate them!!! I’m always glad to let the other hikers hit the trail first and get the spider webs all over their face…but when hiking in the winter, there are no spider webs.
  3. You don’t overheat. A cool morning or afternoon makes hiking in the Fall and Winter more pleasant.
  4. You can see more. The forests change when the leaves fall. I love the view from the ridges of the Jefferson Memorial Forest in the winter.

The Do’s & Don’ts for Family Hiking

Make initial hikes short.  

I recommend 2 miles or less and very little elevation change (see the recommended hike at the end).

Prepare a snack and hot drink.

You want the hike to be fun and rewarding for the kids (and yourself). These can be healthy snacks or not. Chalk it up as a picnic! Plan ahead and purchase a day pack and thermos.

Be positive throughout the hike.

This may be difficult because our children today are very stimulated by electronics. The forest CAN compete but you have to help them shift gears. They will come to love the forest, its sounds, colors, and smells. Help them notice the forest.

Don’t be afraid to be quiet and let the forest teach your children.

Dress Warm.

No one likes to be cold. Pick a sunny Saturday or Sunday with the temperature in the upper 40s or 50s. Any type of sport sneaker will work, and dress with layers so you can shed them if you get warm.

Try This Louisville Hiking Trail First!

The Horine Cemetery Trail, Jefferson Memorial Forest

This is a 2-mile out and back trail, meaning that it is 1 mile out and 1 mile back. There is almost no elevation change, which means a perfect trail for young children.

Directions to the Trailhead Parking lot:

-Take the Gene Snyder Freeway to the New Cut Exit

-Turn Left onto New Cut Road heading toward Fairdale

-Follow New Cut Road for approximately 1.2 miles

-Enter the Roundabout and take the first right onto Mitchell Hill Road

-Follow Mitchell Hill Road for approximately 1 mile

-Turn Left onto Holsclaw Hill Road

-Follow this road up the hill for approximately 1.5 miles

-At the top of the hill take a sharp Right into the Horine Reserve section of the Jefferson Forest

-Follow the road to the parking lot

-Exit your car and walk through the campground gate

-Walk the campground road for approximately .2 miles

You will see the Horine Cemetery sign on the left and a gate just before the porta potty.

This is a beautiful 2-mile hike!

When you get there, let the kids look around while you prepare the snacks and hot chocolate!!

Before going on the hike, you might do a Wikipedia search for the Horine Family and Cemetery. Share the Horine story!

Everything that you see around you once belonged to them.

And now it’s yours.

True North Counseling Park Blog

Friday Waypoints – 10/19/18

What I’ve been Watching on TV-

I spent the week re-watching: Ken Burns: The National Parks: America’s Best Idea. This is such an inspiring documentary. It’s inspiring, not because of the beautiful scenery, but because of the brave and visionary people that made this park system possible.

There is an overlook at the Grand Canyon called Mather Point. It memorializes the first Director of the National Park Service, Stephen Mather. After his death in 1929, a bronze plaque was erected in every National Park that reads:

He laid the foundation of the National Park Service, defining and establishing the policies under which its areas shall be developed and conserved unimpaired for future generations. There will never come an end to the good that he has done.”

Lessons from My Clients-

I work with several kiddos that are being raised by their grandparents. These caregivers are in the trenches working with damaged children and it takes its toll on them. I think what they need from me, from us, it to be encouraged and told that they are making a difference. Sometimes a few words of encouragement are more effective than all the interventions that we can provide. This is a lesson I hope to apply in weeks and years to come.

Books I’m Reading-

“When We Go Camping” by Margriet Ruurs, Illustrated by Andrew Kiss

“Grand Canyon” by Jason Chin

I’m reading these excellent children’s books so that I can recommend to you some ways to spend time reading books to help introduce your children to the forest and to the most amazing place in this country, the Canyon. The first is for younger children and the second is for older.

Ruurs closes her book with a campfire invitation:

“It’s campfire time. When stars wink from up high and

Sparks fly into the night sky, orange flames dance away the darkness.

We snuggle closer and tell wonderful, scary tales.”

True North Counseling Hiking

Friday Waypoints – 10/12/18

Lessons from My Clients

Sometimes the lessons we learn feel negative. I learned this past week that I cannot help everyone. It is sobering. I want to help everyone, but of course, some people have been so injured, or neglected, or have been broken to the point that they are beyond my help. And the most difficult transaction comes when, after a year, you have to explain that to a client. People deserve honesty. As a therapist, “speaking the truth,” at times, means letting my client know that I cannot help them. Then, I become a guide to help them find someone that will.

A Book I’m Reading

I’ve been reading, “Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder,” by Richard Louv. I will be providing a review next week, but I wanted to provide a statement or two now. Louv’s work provides a remedy for “super-connected” kids, and adults as well. “Unlike television (and I would add the Internet),” Louv writes, “nature does not steal time; it amplifies it. Nature offers healing for a child living in a hectic world.”

A Meditation App I’m Using – Insight Timer- https://insighttimer.com/

This app has been very helpful. I love the timer function. It begins and ends a session with a chime. You can have background sounds during the session. And there are a plethora of guided meditations. I’m still a novice but this app has been very helpful.

True North Weekly Waypoints

Friday Waypoints – 10/05/18

WELCOME TO MY WAYPOINTS!

As I explained in a previous blog, Waypoints are significant events or moments from my past week that help me stay oriented as to where I am and where I’m going.

Lessons from My Clients: Let your Pain (Misery) Guide You

I was speaking with a foster parent this past week. She was very frustrated about the events of this past month. She and her husband were fostering a 15-year old boy who had been very challenging.

Listening to her, my heart went out to these foster parents, Tom and Jenny (not their real names). They love serving others and this love has motivated them to work with foster kids.

But in Jenny’s voice, I could hear her misery. She was in pain. I asked her if there were things that she was doing in the community that brought her joy and fulfillment. She responded that they were involved in a young couple’s class in their church and that this had been very fulfilling. I then responded that her pain and misery were indicators that “maybe, just maybe” fostering teenagers is not a good fit for her and her husband. I heard a sigh and then she said, “Mark, thank you for bringing this up. We’ve wondered about this but felt bad about considering getting out of fostering.”

I responded, “Jenny, let your pain, guide you. Maybe it’s telling you that fostering teenagers isn’t a good fit for you and Tom.”

The lesson I learned from these dear people is to let my pain and misery guide me. A professor of mine, while in graduate school, provided this guidance, “Never take away a person’s misery, it will serve as a motivation for change.”

Pain and misery are my change agents, and I will let them guide me to grow and to consider new adventures in years to come. Thank you Tom and Jenny.

Meaningful Moment: Hiking the Jeff Forest

There is a Gem in this city and it’s called, The Jefferson Memorial Forest. 6500 acres. Green. Hilly. Beautiful. Within that 6500 acres is a very beautiful place: The Horine Cemetery. I often take new hikers out there and hiked out there this past week. I encourage you to do the same as I recently reviewed Forest Therapy, and clearly hiking out to places like this was the kind of thing that Sarah Ivens was recommending. Study the history of this Cemetery and of the people that donated this land for our use and enjoyment. Very inspiring!

Book I’m Reading This week

“iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood” –Jean M. Twenge Ph.D.

If you have pre-teens or teenagers in your home or work with them, you’ll want to read this book. “Adolescence,” she writes, “is now an extension of childhood rather than the beginning of adulthood.” I’ll be giving a full book review soon, but an excellent recourse for parents.