What’s Wrong with My Teenager?

I’ve been listening to a series of lectures on Audible entitled, “Understanding the Mysteries of Human Behavior,” by Mark Leary, Ph.D. He’s a professor of Psychology and Neuroscience at Duke University. I’m going to be sharing several of his topics over the next few months. The one that caught my eye was, “Why Don’t Adolescents Behave like Adults?” Here are some of his thoughts:

First, there tends to be more family conflict when kids transition into adolescence.

The good news is that this conflict generally is short-lived (lasting the first couple of years of adolescence) and generally focused on minor issues such as their personal appearance, dating, family rules, and curfews. The reason for these conflicts seem to be rooted in the teen’s desire to establish their independence, which is a healthy and important part of their development.

Second, Teens tend to display more rapid and extreme mood swings when they enter into adolescence.

Certainly, hormones play a role in these emotional swings, but researchers are looking at the role that stress plays in mood instability. Leary points out that, “Adolescence involves major personal and social changes and transitions that would be stressful at any age, but for a young person without much life experience, these changes can be overwhelming.” Increased stress equals increased mood instability.

Third, teenagers tend to display an increase in risky behaviors which, as Leary points out, “have the potential to harm them or others.”

I see a lot of these teens, and here’s what’s happening in their brains. This increase in risky behavior is due to the interplay between two distinct networks in the brain. The first network is the socioemotional network. This network process rewards, especially social rewards. As a child enters adolescence, the reward center of the brain changes and teenagers begin to pay more attention to potentially rewarding experiences. The cognitive control network controls what is typically called executive functioning and involves functions such as planning and impulse control. Unfortunately, this network develops gradually throughout adolescence and matures by the mid-twenties. One system is telling the teen to speed up and the other is telling them to slow down. Unfortunately, the cognitive control network can be outmatched by the socioemotional network. It’s like putting a new driver behind the wheel of a race car.

So, to address the question, “What’s wrong with my teenager,” the answer is nothing.

Teens are becoming something. They are becoming adults and stretching the wings that one day they will be using independently. They are testing boundaries that one day will not be there and they are exploring and taking risks that one day will be wonderful growth experiences. But until they become adults, they need our guidance, support, teachable moments, patience, and they need a gradually increased amount of freedom to become the people that you have raised them to become.

I often hear extended family members counsel younger parents. The younger parents are overwhelmed and exhausted with the the task of raising children. Aunt Susan will respond with, “If you think it’s bad now, wait until they’re teenagers.” I couldn’t disagree more! Yes, it’s painful at times watching them transition into an adult, but it’s also one of the most reward times that you will have with them. Understanding what’s going on is the key to looking forward to it and even enjoying it!!!!

Friday Waypoints- 1/25/19

What Your Children Remember

I’m spending time with my son this week. He lives in Colorado and is one of the kindest, most genuine person I know. And he is a hard worker. When he was living in Louisville, employers loved him. It’s no different now. He’s working lots of extra hours to support his wife and two daughters while she works on her college degree. I’m very proud of him!

We were talking about doing a family trip to the Grand Canyon next year. During our conversation, he reminded me that we took him to the Canyon when he graduated from High School. He backpacked down and out of the Canyon with us and he disclosed that it was one of the most memorable things he has ever done. I did not know that. I just remember his calf muscles cramping on the way out! I’m glad that this memory is still vividly with him! It’s that “repertoire of positive sentiment” that Gottman talks about. It’s like banking memories. Kids remember things!

What I’m Listening To

I started listening to “Lonesome Dove” by Larry McMurtry. It won the Pulitzer in 1986. This is my 6th or 7th time listening to it. People have often asked me, “What’s it about?” I simply reply, everything. It deals with life, death, love, cattle, horses, Gus McCrea, Woodrow Call, men, women, fate, and a host of other things. I always give this book for Christmas and to my graduate students when they complete their course work. Take a peek at it!

What I Hiked This Week

There is this amazing place to hike in Manitou Springs, Colorado, just outside Colorado Springs. It’s called The Incline. I do it every 3 months. It’s a 1-mile climb up the side of a mountain with a 3.5-mile descent down the Barr Trail. The kicker is, you gain 2,000 feet of elevation on the ascent. It usually takes me an hour and 15 minutes to complete this mile ascent. It has 2,800 steps! During the summer months, the stream of people is steady from the base to the summit (about 2,000 people a day). I use this hike to keep track of my level of fitness. It does not fail me.  

Escape. Explore. Connect.

I do a lot of walking in parks. This past week I noticed the signs at Joe Creason Park had the following tag at the end: Escape. Explore. Connect. What good advice. People seem more stressed today than ever before. Relationships seem more complicated. We’re connected to social media, the news networks, podcasts, and our smartphones to the point that most of us are mentally exhausted. We worry about our kids, our finances or jobs, whether or not to vaccinate our kids (the answer, of course, is yes, yes, yes, get your children vaccinated) and we worry about our health and mortality.

If any of this applies to you, here is my prescription:  Escape. Explore. Connect. Sometimes, it’s that simple. I tell people all the time that one of the benefits of getting out and exploring the forests and parks is the feeling that time slows down. It happens to me all the time. I spend 3 or 4 hours hiking and it seems like I’ve been out for a day. An overnight backpacking trip feels like a full weekend.

Time slows down when you Escape, Explore, Connect.

Lately, I’ve been in the forests exploring for geodes. I am fascinated with them. I love to bring them home and crack them open to discover the quartz crystals inside. Sometimes they’re solid quartz. They are all beautiful. Some are the size of walnuts and some the size of baseballs. What I’ve discovered is that they took hundreds of thousands, if not millions of years to form. Air bubbles developed underground and were slowly filled with crystals by quarts-saturated water. There are lots of ways to connect with the forest and this is one of them. I’m out there in the creek beds exploring and escaping. I am carried away to a time millions of years ago. Escape. Explore. Connect.

This spring, I hope to begin collecting, drying and mounting plants and their flowers. Escape. Explore. Connect.

This March, we are going to host a family-friendly hike in the Jefferson Memorial Forest. It will be the first Saturday of Spring, March 23, 2019. It will be your chance to get some Nature Therapy and to Escape. Explore. Connect.

Friday Waypoints- 1/18/19

Family Connections

Sometimes you have to stop the work you’re doing, put down the book you’re reading, turn off the TV and connect with your family. I’m leaving for a visit with my two granddaughters tomorrow. They live out of state and I make it a point to visit with them 4 or 5 times a year. Grandpa brings them things. So, this week I went to the Carmichael’s Children’s Book store on Bardstown Road in the Highlands for some “Grandpa-what-did-you-bring-us?” presents. If you haven’t been there, I encourage you to visit.

I also collected some geodes from the Kentucky landscape to crack open with my little Sweeties. I can’t wait to watch them as they discover what’s in them.

And for my oldest granddaughter, I’m taking her a copy of Peterson’s Field Guide to Western Birds and I’m giving her an old pair of my binoculars, and then I’m taking her birding. This is how I connect with them. Later this summer, we’re going on Sophie’s “maiden” backpacking trip in the Colorado Rockies. I can’t wait! This week they were in my thoughts and deeds.

What am I Reading

I’m slowly digesting a recent study by the American Psychological Association entitled, “APA Guidelines for the Psychological Practice with Men and Boys.” My practice is primarily with adolescent boys and most of them are struggling. “Throughout their lifespan, males experience many developmental changes and challenges pertaining to intimacy, sex and emotions, beginning with the universal task of forming intimate attachment with others.” The problem, as the study continues, is that “some boys are socialized from an early age to avoid intimacy and deep connections with others.” I think that our job as parents and clinicians is to help boys and men make connections with peers and adults. I’ll share more in weeks to come.

What I’m Eating

I’m always looking for a healthy snack or for something to throw into my daypack when I’m doing my Saturday hikes into the Jefferson Forest. I picked up some LIVfit Superfood Blend and on the back was a recipe for Superfood Power Up Bars. They are relatively simple to make and full of good stuff. I’ve included the directions and the nutritional facts for the LIVfit Superfood. I’m going to say that the taste is easily a 9 out of 10, and maybe higher. I used raw honey instead of agave. Give them a try.

   

Friday Waypoints- 1/11/19

Job Satisfaction

Every now and then something happens that makes you question yourself and what you’re doing. This week I had a brief encounter with a young man that is struggling with life. He’s living with his mother, unemployed, and bearing a mental health burden that no one deserves. My heart goes out to him and his mother. Unfortunately, he is unable to handle the gentle pressure that therapy sometimes places on you and our session ended prematurely due to his very agitated response. And unfortunately for me, his response triggered memories of similar incidents over the past 25 years. That’s the nature of the work we do. Sometimes people come to us and change us. I shared this incident with a colleague and she shared a similar incident that almost caused her to quit being a therapist. She was assaulted by a client during a session. We are people. We love helping people.

So, what do we do? We see the next client, weather the negative reviews on google, share our burdens with family and friends, get out and hike. We listen to the latest Bon Iver album. At times, we see a therapist. And we stoke the flames that that burn deeply within us, that brought us to the very first therapy session, that for some of us was 25 years ago.

I love what I do. Later in the week, I sat across from Harper, a 14-year old that needs my help. She was abandoned by her father and struggling to make sense of it and of life. She’s growing and it warms my heart. Like I said, sometimes people come to us and change us.

Stoic Quote

A friend gave me “The Daily Stoic,” by Ryan Holiday. The quote for this past Wednesday was from Epictetus: “Some things are in our control, while others are not. We control our opinion, choice, desire, aversion, and in a word, everything of our own doing. We don’t control our body, property, reputation, position, and in a word, everything not of our own doing.” Those of you that know me, know that I live my life based, in part, by slogans. It helps me stay focused on the important stuff. One slogan that relates to this quote from Epictetus is “Adjust to the things that won’t adjust to you.” This slogan reminds me that there are things that are not going to change no matter how much effort I apply to them. In a way, that’s why I love the Jefferson Forest, and the Red River Gorge, and the Grand Canyon, and all the other places that I explore. They are not going to adjust to me no matter what I do. We need immutable things in our lives. And we need to adjust to them. That includes places AND people.

Student Intern

Our new Student Intern started this past week. Her name is Sharonda Tunstull. She is a graduate student at Campbellsville University, working on her Master’s in Social Work. We are so fortunate to have her with our agency. She is going to be developing an Adolescent Group and seeing individuals and families for therapy. She is also going to co-lead a group for individuals with development and intellectual disabilities called, “Positive Relationships.” Welcome aboard, Sharonda!!!!

Circadian Dis-Rhythms (Or, Why Can’t I Sleep?)

I started having problems with sleep a few years ago. Before that, I slept like a baby. I’ve learned a few things about sleep recently and I want to them share with you. I’ve learned about the importance of good sleep. And I’ve learned about sleep hygiene.

Routinely sleeping less than six or seven hours demolishes your immune system,” writes Matthew Walker PhD. “It more than doubles your risk of cancer. Insufficient sleep is a key lifestyle factor determining whether or not you will develop Alzheimer’s disease.” He goes on to write that, “Inadequate sleep disrupts blood sugar levels so profoundly that it would be classified as pre-diabetic.” It increases the likelihood of your coronary arteries becoming blocked and brittle.

I’ve learned that sleep, or lack of sleep, affects our memory, our ability to learn, and our ability to make logical decisions.

I’ve learned that insufficient sleep can increase aggression, bullying, and behavior problems with children.

I’ve learned as Joseph Cossman wrote: “The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night’s sleep.”

So, here are some Sleep Hacks

Tips I’ve learn for getting a good night’s sleep:

  1. Stick to a schedule. Go to bed and wake up at the same time.
  2. Exercise is great but try to exercise no later than 2-3 hours before bedtime.
  3. Avoid caffeine 8 hours prior to bedtime.
  4. Avoid alcoholic drinks before bed.
  5. Avoid large meals and beverages late at night.
  6. If possible, avoid medicines that delay or disrupt sleep.
  7. Don’t take naps after 3 pm.
  8. Relax before bed.
  9. Take a hot bath or shower before bed.
  10. Dark bedroom. Cool Bedroom. Gadget-free bedroom.
  11. Have the right sunlight exposure. Get outside at least 30 minutes a day of direct sunlight.
  12. Don’t lie in bed awake. If you haven’t fallen asleep in 20 minutes, get up and do something relaxing.

I am sleeping better now. I’ve started practicing good sleep hygiene. I’ve started taking Melatonin (recommended by most sleep researchers). I have more to learn about good sleep, and I’ll share more information as I get it. Sweet dreams.

Friday Waypoints- 1/4/19

Four Words- Describe your Resolution in 4 Words.

I started the 30-Day Well Challenge in the New York Times this week. What initially caught my eye were the four words that they used to describe the challenge:

Move. Nourish. Refresh. Connect.

That just about sums up life, at least the important things. They represent four potential goals: 1) I’m going to move more this year. 2) I’m going to eat food that nourishes my body. 3) I’m going to refresh through rest and recreation. 4) I’m going to value the people in my life by staying connected with them.

What four words would you use to describe what you want to emphasize in your new year? What are the things that inspire you? Who are the people that challenge you? Where are the places that you have always wanted to go? What are the events that motivate you to grow?

If I think about it, these might be some words I would use:

Fourteeners. Walking. Read. Family.

Each of these words has a personal significance for me. I’m planning on hiking 4 or 5 Fourteeners (14,000 foot peaks) in Colorado this summer. I have to start getting ready. I have challenged myself to walk 10,000 steps a day this next year. I’m going to read more this year. And I’m going to spend time relaxing with my loved ones.

Maybe you have a special event this year. Maybe you want to run a ½ marathon this year. Maybe you want to reconnect with a family member that you have lost the connection with.

30-Day Well Challenge

I invite you to take up the 30-Day Well Challenge. It’s free and honestly, it seems really fun.

The first challenge is to write a letter to yourself. This letter serves as a coach for the following 30 days.

Each day there is a challenge that “helps you build healthy habits for your body, mind and spirit, one daily challenge at a time.”

Sometimes we need something simple, fun and new to help us get a good start to the new year.

Simply google: New York Times 30-day Well Challenge to get started.

Book I’m Reading- The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday

This is a daily meditation book and could be used to supplement any other daily meditation book you read or could be used by itself.

This morning’s reading is entitled “The Big Three” and it promotes three disciplines as the bedrock of Stoicism and really, wise living:

Control your perceptions.

Direct your actions properly.

Willing accept what’s outside your control.

I find these three concepts very helpful. I look forward to the the next 361 readings.