Tag Archive for: religion

purity culture

Religious Trauma & Purity Culture

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Note: This post contains specific language about sex, physical bodies, and a brief mention of sexual assault.

In purity culture, expectations for behavior are based on strict, highly stereotyped gender binaries. There are acceptable behaviors for boys and men, and different acceptable behaviors for girls and women. Purity culture is not a strictly “Christian thing,” though it did reach popularity in Evangelical Christianity in the 1990s.

Here are some of the dangerous myths of purity culture:

1. Virginity is a measure of your worth.

So many women, both friends, and clients have told me some variation of the story of their sex education. In a large assembly, a woman or girl’s virginity is compared to a flower. The flower gets passed around from person to person, getting bumped and bruised along the way. By the time the flower makes it up to the speaker, it doesn’t look nearly as pretty and fresh as when it passed through the first set of hands. The speaker then asks, “Who wants this flower?”

The implication is that if you’ve had a sexual relationship with anyone prior to marriage, you are bruised, broken, and less than. This narrative is particularly damaging to survivors of sexual abuse because their abuse is being re-perpetrated while it is emphasized that they are worthless (and worthless) because of a crime that was committed against them.

Moreover, people aren’t flowers. Or chewing gum. Or used tape. (All analogies that have been used!) Sexuality is not a finite resource. In fact (hold on to your hats!), virginity is a social construct. It’s not something that can be held in your hands, measured, or objectively seen in any way. Even the hymen isn’t a good “measure” of virginity, since nearly everyone with a vagina does not have an intact hymen (or vaginal corona) by the time they start menstruating. Otherwise, the menstrual blood wouldn’t have any place to go!

2. Sexuality is a switch that can be flipped.

In purity culture, sexual feelings and responses are rejected as unsafe, unclean, and impure—until marriage. At that point, it’s as if a switch can be flipped, and suddenly the newlywed couple can give and experience pleasure in their marital bed. In fact, often, it’s the exact opposite. If you’ve been told that your body is sinful and bad your whole life, engaging in a healthy, loving physical relationship can feel wrong. This goes for both men and women. Though women, being the recipients of more degrading messages of purity culture, often feel it more intensely. Men and women alike have reported panic attacks after engaging in sex with their spouses for the first time. Some have physical reactions, including hives, vomiting, and even migraines. It’s almost impossible to set aside the myths of purity culture just because of two magic words (“I do.”).

3. Girls and women are responsible for boys’ and men’s sexual behavior.

Much of purity culture puts the responsibility of “purity” on girls and women. They’re told to cover up (from the least extreme examples of covered shoulders, collar bones, and skirts or shorts that are, at minimum, fingertip length; to the most extreme examples of long sleeves and long skirts, even in sweltering weather in which boys and men are allowed to be shirtless and wearing shorts of any length) and remonstrated to “never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother” (Romans 14:13-23). (NOTE: I’m no Biblical scholar, but the rest of that passage talks about how everything is clean in the eyes of God and includes the line, “Whoever thus serves Christ is acceptable to God and approved by men.” Seems to me that there’s a bit of selective listening going on when people quote the first line only.)

The extreme example of girls and women being responsible for boys’ and men’s sexual behavior can be found in the victim-blaming that surrounds women who report sexual assaults by prominent evangelicals, from Jessica Hahn to Ashley Johnson. In purity culture, girls and women are not taught about agency or consent—their bodies are for others’ consumption, not worthy in their own right.

What things were you told about purity culture? How have you seen purity culture play out in your life, or in the lives of others?

religious trauma

What is Religious Trauma?

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Over the past year, I have undergone specialized training in treating religious trauma. This type of trauma is a kind of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that Restoration Counseling defines as “a group of symptoms that arise in response to traumatic or stressful religious experiences.”

Of course, this is not a new thing. The initial writings about it were done in 1993, and the term Religious Trauma Syndrome was developed by Dr. Marlene Winell in 2011.

While religious trauma is not an official psychiatric diagnosis, here are some symptoms:

  • Extreme guilt and/or shame
  • Feeling isolated or like you don’t belong
  • A loss of community
  • Feeling lost or directionless
  • Feeling disconnected from your body
  • Shame or disgust when engaging in freely-chosen sexual activity (during or after)

This is not to say that all religious or faith experiences bring about traumatization. Religious trauma is brought about by Adverse Religious Experiences (AREs). This can be, “Any experience of a religious belief, practice, or structure that undermines an individual’s sense of safety or autonomy and/or negatively impacts their physical, social, emotional, relational, or psychological well-being.”

Some examples of AREs are:

  • Being told that you are fundamentally flawed, wrong, or disgusting
  • Having been discouraged or judged for asking questions or engaging in critical thought (NOTE: This is one of the signs of Coercive Control in spiritual settings.)
  • Being told that only your organization/denomination has the “right” answers
  • Feeling more guilt and shame than love and belonging
  • The community or leaders telling you that a fundamental part of who you are (i.e., gender identity, sexuality, ethnicity, age) is bad, wrong, or somehow less worthy of love

If you have experienced any of these symptoms or triggers, it’s important to find a therapist who is trauma-informed and can understand your experiences. For more information read our previous blog on unpacking religious trauma.

trauma

Unpacking Religious Trauma

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In order to begin to unpack religious trauma, practitioners, as well as clients, must understand three key terms or stages. The emotions associated with these phases can vary, depending on your stance on the issue of organized religion. Here is a basic overview:

Deconstruction

  • The person begins questioning the teachings and doctrines of the organization.
  • One may continue to attend religious services, but experiences anxiety and distress (usually prompted by cognitive dissonance).
  • The person will probably still continue to identify publicly as a member of their faith but may express doubts to trusted or safe people.

Deconversion

For some people, deconstruction leads to deconversion. This occurs when the loose threads are pulled at so much, the entire piece starts to unravel. Sometimes, this occurs because of the reaction of others around them to the deconstruction process.

For example, if I am told that I cannot ask any questions or have any doubts, I am likely to leave the conversation entirely when my questions reach a critical mass. (I even hesitate to use the word ‘conversation,’ because conversation implies that there is a back-and-forth discussion, which cannot happen when one party shuts down the other one completely.)

In deconversion, people often experience:

  • A profound sense of loss (of community, ritual, and/or relationships), usually prompted by people in their faith rejecting them.
  • Anger or hostility toward their particular denomination, themselves, or religion in general.
  • Searching for another community or practice to replace the lost community and practice.

Reconstruction

For others, deconstruction leads to reconstruction. Essentially, this is when the person takes the part of their faith experience that works for them and rejects the parts of their religion that have been harmful. In the training I have completed, practitioners are told that a potential pitfall of reconstruction is going from one controlling, abusive religious group to another. That’s why it’s very important that during the process of deconstruction and reconstruction, people are given appropriate skills to assess the health of any organization, religion, or faith community they consider joining, as well as the skills to build up the disconnect between self-esteem and self-worth.