Stop Trying To Be a Better Version of Yourself | Healthy Aging Series: S11 E28
The Failed Campaign
I ran for Office once. It wasn’t what you think, or maybe it was what you think. About 20 years ago I was asked if I would run for the position of the President of the National Association of Social Workers-Kentucky Chapter. The moment that I said, yes, I regretted it. It was between a Professor at the local MSW program and me.
Honestly, I thought she would do a better job, and I had my fingers crossed that I would lose…and I did. There was nothing negative about the process. Everyone was very polite. Everyone was encouraging. And she did a great job.
It’s not that I thought I would be a bad President. I was and I strive to be an ethical social worker. Every day. But I’m not a political creature.
I like to say what I really think. Those of you that know me I’m sure you’re nodding your heads.
The Failed Ministry
That’s why I left the ministry profession, among many other reasons. Being a minister, you have to deal with politics with a little P.
Everyone in the church has an opinion and they rarely hesitate to tell said opinion.
I often tell my friends, who asked me why I left the pastoral ministry, that I didn’t feel the freedom to tell people what I really think. Funny thing is, now people come to me because they want to know what I think.
I’m able to do that because they feel valued and trust me. I’ve often thought about my role in the lives of my clients. It is in part to help, or maybe inspire them to grow, and at the same time, love, that’s right, love who they are now.
I Hope to Become a Better Version of Myself
I have a few pet peeves and one of them is hearing people say they want to become a better version of themselves. I know what they mean, I think. I guess I would ask, what’s wrong with this version of you? What if they are this version for the rest of their life, what’s wrong with that version?
Maybe this is another example of the Self-Help Industry going awry.
The 30-year-old Version of Me
I’m not sure I see the soon to be 70-year-old version of myself as being better than the 30-year-old version of me.
I am more educated, and I hope wiser. I’ve gotten better at running a business and better at planning and organizing. But I can’t remember people’s names and nouns. Sometimes verbs.
So in some ways, this version of me isn’t better than a 30-year-old version of me. I don’t think I’m kinder now. I don’t think I care about people more. This version is stronger in some ways, but better?
What do you see when you look in the mirror?
This season, I’ve been sharing from William Irvine’s book, “A guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy.”
I want to share the Stoic practice of Reflection. I don’t think they called it reflection or even meditation, but I do think they spent time reflecting on who they were, and some areas of their life that needed to improve.
I think the Stoics would’ve liked the phrase, “progress not perfection.”
Irvine writes, “Seneca tells us that progress is the goal in practicing Stoicism, and not to become a Sage. Instead, a Stoic takes his progress to be adequate as long as “every day I reduce the number of my vices.”
Again, Irvine shares, “Marcus Aurelius recommends that when our practice falls short of Stoic precepts, we should not become despondent and certainly should not give up our attempts to practice Stoicism; instead, we should return to the attack and realize that if we can do the right thing, historically speaking, most of the time, we are doing pretty well for ourselves.”
Doing the Right Thing
Reflection was a daily practice for Stoics. Stop and think about your day, thus far. I woke up really early and kissed my wife goodbye as I headed out to Colorado for a trip to see my son, daughter-in-law, and two granddaughters, as well as hike to the top of Pikes Peak.
Before leaving, I told my wife I loved her and how important she is to me. She smiled and let me know that I was her Bear (her pet-name for me).
I’ve been polite and kind at the airport, and on the plane; and I’ve smiled a lot. So far so good.
Maybe, if I reflect on the week leading up to today, I wouldn’t be quite so generous.
Maybe reflection is our way of rooting out the thoughts and behaviors that eventually rob us of our tranquility and joy.
“What we Practice Grows Stronger,” is the slogan I teach my clients. Maybe reflection is a way of identifying what we are practicing, good or bad, and then identifying strategies to weaken those practices or even stopping them. And then strengthening some practices by doing them.
The Stoic’s engaged in bedtime reflections. Irvine writes, “The Stoics will think about the events of the day. Did something disrupt my tranquility? Did I experience anger? Envy? Lust? Why did the day’s events upset me? Is there something I could have done to avoid getting upset?”
Irvine presents several of the historic practices in his book, and part of reflecting is to do an inventory to determine if one has engaged in these practices.
Here is Irvine’s inventory: “Are we practicing the techniques recommended by the Stoics? Do we, for example, periodically engage in Negative Visualization? Do we take time to distinguish between those things over which we have complete control, those things over which we have no control at all, and those things over which we have some, but not complete control? Are we careful to internalize our goals? Have we refrained from dwelling on the past and instead focus our attention on the future? Have we constantly practiced acts of self-denial?”
Maybe a better way of saying you want to be a better version of yourself is you want to be a stronger person, a kinder person, a wiser and more insightful person.
Not a better version.
Maybe I’m arguing over semantics, but I don’t think so.
No one is perfect. We all have things we need to work on. But the ‘you’ now has lots of things that are OK, better than OK. Look in the mirror.
You’re older, maybe not as thin as decades ago, and maybe grayer, but it is OK to look into those blue, or brown, or green eyes and for a moment say, “Don’t change a thing.”
This version has its flaws, but despite those flaws, this version is the best version of you.
Amen!
