Sorry, Not Sorry Relationships

I was asked to do several eulogies, as a young Baptist Minister, in the one-church town of Coahoma, Texas. I was asked to say some nice things for the recently deceased that were unchurched.

This was during the bust of the 1980s and the joke was, “What do you call a Geologist in Midland?” Answer: “Hey Waiter!”

I remember being asked to help with the funeral of a man who had an intellectual disability. I interviewed family members and friends. They laughed and they cried. “He didn’t do much,” they explained, “Never worked. No children. He liked to sit on the steps of the Post Office and whittle.” What I said during the service was something that I hope someone says about me one day, “He did the best he could with what he had.”

I volunteered to do my mother’s eulogy. My message was something like this: “Mom never let stupid shit stand in the way of her happiness.” A good message for us, as well.

The last eulogy that I was asked to do was for my lifelong friend, Jeff Wilson. I told stories. Jeff was smart, witty, and had a strong opinion about politics. I looked through some of his old Facebook posts. Here’s an example of a milder post:

Feb 13, 2019

Trump promised to pay off the National Debt ($21,000,000,000,000) in 8 years.

Instead, he increased the debt by $1,000,000,000,000 in his 1st year to give himself and his rich buddies the biggest tax cut in American history. Now Republicans say they need to cut Medicare, SS, and many other programs that working people paid for and rely on.

It wasn’t his wit or his political views that I now miss. I miss our friendship. I have friends. I come home to my best friend each evening. I spend time with my sons and other close friends, my walking friend, Gordon. What made it such a good friendship was that we were there for each other over the course of our lives. We laughed. We were there when we both experienced losses in our lives. We offered advice and support about decisions that we were trying to make about jobs and family. There was never any judging between us. Those last years, when his health was fading, I hope I was there for him. I’m a better person because of Jeff. That’s what friendship does.

The Stoic Version of Friendship

I’ve been working through David Fideler’s book, “Breakfast with Seneca.”

Seneca, the Stoic philosopher had a lot to say about friendship.

“Friendship creates between us a partnership in all things. Nothing is good or bad for us alone: we live in common. Nor can anyone live happily who only cares for his own advantage. You must live for another if you would live for yourself. This fellowship, maintained with special care and respect, unites humanity, and holds that we all have certain rights in common. But it’s also beneficial for nurturing the more intimate kind of friendships. For someone who has much in common with another human being will have everything in common with her friend.”

In his chapter, “The lost Art of Friendship,” Fideler borrows from Aristotle and describes 3 levels of friendship.

Advantage-Friendships. These friends would better be described as Acquaintances. “Because these are often self-centered,” Fideler writes, “when the advantage someone offers disappears, the friendship dissolves also.”
Pleasure-Friendships. This level of friendship involves friends who hang out with each other and sometimes is described as casual friendships. “Pleasure friendships,” Fideler explains, “consists of people who enjoy one another’s company. This could include a drinking buddy, someone you like going to movies with, or someone you enjoy spending time with.”
Character-Friendships. Character-Friendships as Aristotle would see them required trust and an investment of time and are bonds that last a lifetime. This type of friendship involves genuinely wishing well for the other person. It requires time and the number of these friends is very limited. Fideler writes, “Friends are like mirrors to one another, because when you see good qualities in another person that aren’t developed in you, it inspires you to improve your character, to become a better person.

The Ability to Discern “False Goods”

True friends helping each other to improve their character, making progress toward becoming wise and living life skillfully. One of the important benefits of this character development and wisdom is the ability to discern “False Goods.”

As has been the case for centuries, we live in a society saturated with false goods. These false goods are obvious things like new gadgets, counterfeit handbags, and nutritional supplements with false claims, but they also include things like opinions, beliefs, and ideologies.

One of the goals or purposes of Character-Friendships is to help “wave off” our friends from false goods or to help them break the trance of a false good. As I stated earlier, false goods come in many shapes, sizes, and formulas, but it is the ideological false goods that present the greatest threat to us in our society.

“False Goods” Ideological Trances

What is an Ideological Trance! I found this pretty good definition using ChatGPT:

An “ideological trance” describes a deep, often unquestioned absorption in a specific belief system, where individuals become highly suggestible, seeing the world only through that framework, similar to a hypnotic state, limiting critical thought and openness to alternatives, often fueled by cultural narratives, emotional appeals, or specific practices like music or propaganda, making people susceptible to manipulation by powerful ideas or figures. It’s a state where shared stories and unquestioned assumptions replace independent reasoning, creating a collective mindset.

We are all susceptible to ideological trances. They usually take the form of things like, religion, politics, economics, science, and social issues like gender identity and preference, social justice and social welfare issues, along with patriotism and national identity.

Oftentimes ideological trances are “a good idea, gone awry.” Patriotism might be a good example of this as tribalism gone awry. I think we all have learned the lessons from the Vietnam War era that, “My country, right or wrong,” isn’t Patriotism, it’s National-Narcissism. It’s “False Goods.” And, in case I haven’t reminded you lately, I am a Vietnam Era Veteran.

Most ideological trances become dysfunctional, hateful, and toxic, especially when tribalism is added. It takes a strong character to rise above “toxic tribalism,” which is a form of bigotry. Character-Friendships are the anti-toxins for “False Goods” Ideological Trances.

What is the Remedy for “False Goods” Ideological Trances? Character-Friendships!

Character friendships shine the light on our bigotry. Bigots are peddling their false goods and sometimes it takes a good friend to help you see it in yourself.

Character-Friendships give you the opportunity to shine your light on your friend’s bigotry and vice versa. “See something, say something.” Of course, don’t do this in a judgy way. You talk to your friends by making, “I noticed…” statements. Or “I know we’re living in complicated times, but something you said the other day…”

Disclaimer:

Sweep your own side of the street first.
This is a Character-Friendship practice not a practice for random strangers or casual friendships.

There is a saying that warns us against throwing pearls before swine (no offense to all the cute piggies in your life). Save your pearls of wisdom for your Character-Friends who will appreciate it.

Character-Friendships are mutual and help rescue us from the “false goods” that are being peddled in the marketplace, or rather, “sewerplace” of ideas.

Some friends are so deeply entrenched in their Ideological Trances that it is nearly impossible to snap them out of it, and in some cases it is impossible. These friendships lose their mutuality and become, “Sorry not Sorry Relationships.”

What I mean is, “I’m sorry, but really not sorry. This relationship is toxic, and really not a friendship at all. It’s over.”

“I have lost my influence in your life, and you’ve lost your influence in my life. It’s over. It’s time to stop the madness.”

Some people are so deeply entrenched in their ideological trance, in their bigotry, that nothing, not you, not the news, and not even witnessing someone standing in the middle of 5th Ave. and shooting someone, can break the trance.

Sorry, not Sorry Relationships are not worth it.

Gather your friends around you, your real friends, your Character-Friends.

Listen to them.

Let them apply their healing salve to your heart and mind.

Let them shine the light on your bigotry.

Let them snap you out of your False Goods Ideological Trance.

And then do the same for them.