How to Leave Footprints When You’re Gone | Healthy Aging Series: S10 E9
I recently read Betty White’s book, “If You Ask Me (And Of Course You Won’t).”
It’s not a memoir. It’s more like a series of Hallmark Cards, very short chapters with a photo of Betty, and a pet or a friend, each chapter with a pithy answer to a question that we were all dying to ask but didn’t.
What did I learn?
Betty White didn’t own a computer or have email.
She had wonderful friendships that brought her joy.
She watched her weight every day and if she put on a pound, she would eat less the next day. She laughed a lot with others and at herself.
She worked hard and memorized her lines even as she grew older.
She took risks despite her anxiety.
She had a passion and writes, “If you live without passion, you can go through life without leaving any footprints.”
Her book is a good read and a fast read. She reminded me a lot of my mom, Betty Neese, “My Betty White.”
Both of them were from the same generation, and both left huge footprints behind.
My Own Betty White
My mother never touched a computer keyboard. She shared a cell phone with my father. She had a nice flatscreen TV. I am told that she had driven a car when she was younger, but I never remember seeing her drive a car.
My only vivid car-memory of her was helping her into my Nissan Xterra the way you would see people hoisted onto a horse. She pulled and I pushed. It’s a great memory!
She lived a simple life. Can you imagine a life without email? There was no Amazon Prime. There were no streaming channels. Each morning, she would amble down the street to the Hardee’s on the corner and drink coffee with her friends.
She complained that she hated watching all of her friends die.
And then it was her turn.
Since I was a Baptist Minister in a previous life, I asked to deliver her eulogy. It wasn’t difficult to find good words about Betty Neese, My Betty White. I want to share with you my message. The good words that I shared that day at the Unity Church in Evansville, Indiana, November 1, 2015.
We are here to celebrate Mom’s life, and of course it’s no accident that today is All Saints Day.
If we were mom’s Angels, then she was our Saint. She learned lots of lessons during her almost 87 years. I want to share a few of those lessons with you.
- Mom learned to adjust to the things that would not adjust to her.
This was demonstrated by accepting her husband, her children, and her grandchildren for who they were, and not attempting to change them, or fashion them into someone else. She wasn’t perfect and maybe she might’ve been a little judgy. But did anyone feel in any way that Mom and Dad didn’t fully love and accept you for who you were? I’m not sure we realize how fortunate that we were to be able to bask in that sun. There is no medicine, no psychology, no politics, and no religion that is more potent than love, acceptance, and forgiveness. Mom and dad were two of the most accepting people I’ve known. They wanted us to be strong and independent. They knew better than to attempt to change us into their versions of us. Mom adjusted to the things that would not adjust to her. - Despite her losses and tragedies, she learned to see the sunshine. Life has a way of challenging our beliefs. Mom lost three of her children when they were infants, and she lost her husband. Despite the clouds, she made it sunny for herself and for us. She kept living to the very end. I love the quote from Shawshank Redemption where Red says that, “We’ve got to get busy living or get busy dying.” Mom spent her life living. Mom lived her life with curiosity, wonder, and openness. One of her favorite words was serendipity, which I interpret as happy accidents. It meant accepting life on life‘s terms, and being receptive to the little moments, and the surprises that come your way. That was Mom‘s sunshine. The simple things. Mom lived a very simple life and was happy with that simple life. She lived in her little apartment with almost no money, no success, no fame, unless you count her celebrity appearance on the O’Reilly Factor.
We were Mom’s sunshine. We created those serendipitous moments for her through our phone calls, books, visits, pictures, and our visits with her to Hardee’s during her coffee time. The secret that I believe Mom practiced was to not expect those happy accidents. She let them come to her, recognized them, and enjoyed them. Sometimes we have to wait for the sunshine.
3. There was an additional lesson that Mom learned: Major on the Majors. Most of us know what happened in the 1960s with Grandma Louise. She stopped seeing us for five years. And for what reason? Religion??? I loved Grandma and Mom loved her too, but shame on Grandma Louise. Grandma was majoring in the minors. Both of my Grandmothers did, and Mom would agree, it was over stupid shit!
Mom learned the pain and misery that comes from majoring on the minors. She saw how stupid shit separated parents from children, siblings from each other, grandparents from their grandchildren, and friends from friends. Shame on us if we let stupid shit like religion, politics, mistakes in the past, money, mis-spoken words, who you live with or are in love with, who you sleep with or bring home separate us from others. None of it is worth separating you from family.
Betty Neese witnessed the isolation, separation, and pain that came from majoring on the minors. If Betty and Jerry Neese have a legacy, it is that they raised tolerant, forgiving, and accepting children, who have raised tolerant, forgiving, and accepting children.
A lot more could be said about Mom.
She had what seemed like an insatiable hunger for learning new things. I loved bringing her books, and she cherished them. She loved her friends. And she was a very good friend. She loved talking about religion. My only regret is that I didn’t spend more time answering her questions about religion. She was a talker.
By your fruit you will know them. Betty and Jerry Neese planted a lot of seed and we are the fruit. We will miss them and feel a little bit lost at times, but we will see them in each other when we come together. We will see them as we accept each other, recognize the happy accidents, and major on the majors, not on the stupid shit. Amen.
Betty White chose to not have children. She helped raise three daughters that her husband brought to the marriage.
Betty Neese had 12 children. Raised nine. She left many footprints.
