The Healthy Aging Series Season 10 Episode 1

It’s All About the Engine, Part 1 | Healthy Aging Series: S10 E1

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If I Only Had A Brain

I could while away the hours
Conferrin’ with the flowers,
Consulting with the rain;
And my head I’d be a scratchin’
While my thoughts are busy hatchin’
If I only had a brain.

I’d unravel ev’ry riddle, 

for my individdle
In trouble or in pain
With the thoughts that you’ll be thinkin’
You could be another Lincoln
If you only had a brain.

Oh, I, could tell you why
The oceans near the shore
I could think of things I’d never
Thunk before,
And then I’d sit down and think some more.

I would not be just a muffin’,
My head all full of stuffin’,
My heart all full of pain;
And perhaps I’d deserve you and be
Even worthy even you
If I only had a brain.

Scarecrow – Wizard of Oz

Ya gotta have a brain. I think we all get this. It pretty much ensures that everything in your body gets done. When it doesn’t work, things don’t get done or things don’t get done well.

Mountain Biking

A number of years ago, a younger version of me took up mountain biking. I took a handlebar to the ribs and stopped mountain biking for the more relaxing sport of road cycling. During that mountain-biking phase, I had a discussion with my Personal Trainer about bicycles, about the best frames (aluminum vs carbon fiber), about shifters, about wheels (27.5 inches vs 29 inches), and really, about gear. Gear. That’s what sports enthusiasts talk about, gear. 

After 30 minutes of talking about gear, my Trainer looked at me and said, “Forget about all that stuff, all that gear. It’s not about the bike, or the wheels, or the shifters. It’s all about the engine!”

Of course, he was talking about the body. He was talking about your cardio fitness. He was talking about your core and leg strength. It’s all about the body!

As I prepared for this season, I thought about the importance of the brain. Isn’t IT the real engine that runs the body. With that in mind, I’ve entitled this season: It’s all About the Engine!

This season is about having a healthy engine. But first, I want to share what happens when the engine is injured. It’s not good.

Broken Engines

During my time as a therapist, I’ve worked with many individuals with brain injuries. To help you understand the tragic nature of these injuries, I’ll share a few stories. I’ve changed names, and anything that could identify them, and really these stories are a compilation of several fellow strugglers I have worked with.

Matthew

Matthew was 18 years old and had a very conflicted relationship with his mother. One afternoon, they were traveling on a busy street. They began to have a very heated argument and it became so heated that, as they came to a stop at an intersection, Matthew jumped out of the car.

Relieved to see the fight end, his mother left him to cool down, but she was unaware that, after pulling away, he was struck by a car while crossing the road and thrown 50 feet. It changed his life forever. He was in a coma for several months. Rehab for a year. Matthew was approved for a program for persons with traumatic brain injuries. It became apparent there were serious problems related to his brain injury. The hypersexuality, along with his impulsivity contributed to his frequent masturbating in public. He developed a compulsion to ask every barista, every staff member, and any woman that would smile at him, for their phone number. Despite all the clinical and behavioral interventions, these behaviors continued to make it difficult for Matthew to live in the community and eventually he was prescribed an anti-libidinal medication, which helped with his hypersexuality.

Luke

Luke was in his late 20s. He had been drinking and driving five years earlier and was the only occupant of his car when he slammed into an oak tree. He survived the accident due to the heroic efforts of the EMTs and ER staff. At the time of the accident, he was married with a newborn baby girl. Now, at 26, he was living with his parents. He was non-ambulatory, meaning he was wheelchair-bound. He could not talk. He had very limited use of his arms. He was on a special puréed diet that ensured he wouldn’t choke on his food. During his rehabilitation, his father had a heart attack, which I’m sure was partly due to the stress of the past five years.

Luke’s wife, though she didn’t divorce him, refused to see him, or allow his daughter to see him or visit him. I suspect the pain was unbearable for her.

John

John was a man in his 50s. His traumatic brain injury was a result of driving under the influence of drugs. 15 years later, he was living in a group home. He had serious memory issues. I worked with him for two years and had to remind him regularly who I was. John was unable to manage or maintain any personal relationships. The only relationships he had were with his professional staff and various therapists. He continued to see his elderly mother. He received a monthly check but had very little disposable income after paying rent and groceries. The team that supported him was constantly on the alert because John would buy money orders and send them to scammers that would ask for help paying their bills, help buying an airline ticket to get back into their home country or help making funeral arrangements for a lost child. He would send money to sweepstakes offers, believing that he had millions of dollars. This was his life.

I share these stories with you to make a point. If you experience a traumatic brain injury, it will dramatically change your life forever. It can change the way you think, the way you act, and it can change your personality. It will change you because everything you do, think, and feel is the product of your brain. 

Thankfully, most of us will not experience a Traumatic Brain Injury! But nevertheless, we are getting older, and so is our brain!

Our Aging Brain

How does aging affect our brains? All of us know someone who appears to have dementia, possibly Alzheimer’s. As we age,  most of us will have difficulty recalling names of actors or famous people. And we will have difficulty remembering where we put things, not to mention the changes in sleep patterns that result from an aging brain, If all of this isn’t a little alarming, what about the prevalence of anxiety and depression that many aging adults experience? Does this have anything to do with your aging brain? 

Here is the most important question I think to ask about the aging brain: 

Is there anything we can do that will ensure that our engine stays fine tuned as we age?

Of course, the answer is yes! 

I’m reading a lot about the aging brain. I’ll share five or six episodes that will put brain health in very simple terms. As an example, this is what I’ve learned: “What’s good for the heart, is good for the brain.“ 

The Swedish Art of Living Exuberantly, by Margaretta Magnuson

I’m going to reflect on the follow-up to “The Swedish Art of Death Cleaning” with “The Swedish Art of Living Life Exuberantly.”

This is Your Brain on __________________

We will have several episodes on things that affect your engine. Some of these include exercise, nutrition, stress, music, meditation, books, love, and sleep, just to name a few. We will look at studies that look at the affects  that playing video games can improve our Fluid Intelligence (I’ll share about Fluid and Crystalized Intelligence in a later episode). We will look at the use of supplements and alcohol and their effects on your engine. We will also look at the MIND Diet. 

Successful Agers

I’ll share memoirs by Betty White and Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. 

Unfortunately, we also must look at some serious disorders of the brain. 

Dementia Memoirs

Last season, I shared several Obesity Memoirs. This season we will look at Dementia Memoirs and the impact that dementia has on people and their caregivers. I will share the lives of Glen Campbell, B. Smith, and Elaine Schreiber. I’ll have at least two episodes for Caregivers. 

Stroke Memoirs

I’ll share three memoirs from stroke survivors. These stories are inspirational. 

A Fairy Tale, Backpacking, and Desert Therapy

Throughout this upcoming season, I’ll share a couple Interlude’s. One is a fairytale that I wrote called “The Magic Necklace.” In the other interlude, we will look at my favorite hobby and how it has, in some sense, saved my life. I’m speaking about backpacking and hiking. I’ll share some of my experiences out on the trail, in the desert, and in the forest.

“On the Shortness of Life”

I’m going to reflect on the small book by Seneca, about getting the most out of the short life that we all have.

I think about those that I have served with brain injuries and how sudden the change came to their lives after their injury. 

The aging process is dramatically different in that it’s a slow and almost imperceptible process that happens. You must take care of your engine! 

I’m going to give you some very, very clear and simple ways of doing that! 

I hope you enjoy this season of my blog about healthy aging and the aging brain. 

It’s all About the Engine!

Protecting Your Brain

I would be an irresponsible clinician if I didn’t mention some practical ways of protecting your brain. I’m sharing a link for BIAK (Brain Injury Association of Kentucky). Donate if you can. They are a wonderful agency that provides free helmets for cycling!

Here are my practical recommendations:

  1. Wear a helmet when riding a bike or motorcycle.
  2. Make sure your children wear helmets when they are riding bicycles or scooters. 
  3. Wear your seat belt.
  4. Do not drink and drive.

Here is the BIAK link:  https://biak.us/

Healthy Aging Series Season 10

Healthy Aging Series: Season 10 Teaser!

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It’s All About The Engine

First, it was our sump pump, then a leaky showerhead. Then, we lost shingles on our roof due to a windstorm and had to have our whole roof replaced. And now we have some doors that won’t shut completely.

OK, you can tell me to stop my whining.

It’s still a wonderful house and home. We took a chance with a young builder, and he did a great job. Over the next 20- or 30-years things are going to break, stop working, or need replaced.

I have used the saying, “The older, the house, the more the maintenance ,”and I’ve applied it to our bodies. As you age things simply break down and quit working.

I’m in very good  to excellent health. I stay away from fast food and sugar. I watch my weight. I exercise 8 to 10 hours a week. And yet, my 68-year-old body is slowly breaking down. It started with my blood pressure, then hypothyroidism, then hyperuricemia, and now bursitis. None of it is serious. More a nusance. And the question isn’t “Is that it?” but, “What’s next?”

Not to be maudlin, but I guess eventually everything will fail.

But the one part of you that you want to last until the very, very, very end is your brain. OK, and your heart, too!

In the upcoming Season 10 of my blog, I write about the aging brain. I’ve titled this season, “It’s all about the engine.” I explained the title in episode one. I want this season to be positive and inspirational. I want to help you have a healthy brain. Why? Because everything you do, think, feel, depends on your brain. Everything.

I’m at the midway airport waiting for a flight to Colorado Springs, to visit my son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughters. It was recently Sophie‘s 16th birthday and I bought her a book entitled “The Girl Who Fell from the Sky. ” She’s a climber and inside the book I wrote:

Eat. Read. Climb. Repeat.

All of that is possible because of a healthy brain. My son and I are headed to Utah in the morning to do a four-day backpacking trip through Canyonlands National Park. All of it: driving, lugging around 55 pounds, 18 to 20 miles, putting up our tents up, reading the directions for our freeze-dried meals, all of it, our conversations, our enjoyment of the beauty and fellowship, all of it depends on a brain.

I also have some tragic things to talk about as well. The big one is dementia, which, believe it or not, is mostly preventable. It is.

I will be sharing several memoirs, which I ‘ve called Dementia Memoirs. The last 10+ episodes are a variation of “This is your brain on_____.” (fill in the blank with things like exercise and diet and music).  If you want to age well, you will need to continue or start taking care of your brain.

It’s all about the engine! Stay tuned.

It is Hard to Be Soft by Rommie Oshrieh Neese, Guest Blog in the Healthy Aging Series by Mark Neese for True North Counseling

It is Hard to Be Soft | Healthy Aging Series: S9 E25

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This is a guest blog written by Rommie Oshrieh Neese. Consider it to be an extension to Season 9 of the Healthy Aging Series.

This is a reflection on “The Happiest Man on Earth: The Beautiful Life of an Auschwitz Survivor’ by Eddie Jaku

Are you happy? How many times have you been asked that question? How many times have you asked yourself? How many times have you said, “Yes, I am happy?”

I am happy.

Real Happiness

Eddie Jaku’s memoir “The Happiest Man on Earth, The Beautiful Life of an Auschwitz Survivor” is what I have been searching for. It is a book about a young man’s experience in the worst concentration camp, if it is even possible to discern one from the other. It is a book about the impact it had on Eddie’s life, before, during, and after the nightmare.

In the face of starvation, immense and unimaginable pain, anger, grief, defeat, degradation, Eddie found happiness. It is possible. No matter a person’s circumstances, it is possible. Eddie shares his miracle with the world that happiness is within us. Eddie’s memoir captures how human beings can find happiness in the dark, and I mean the dark.

I remember the lights going out in Kentucky’s Mammoth Cave. You can see nothing. Your eyes do not adjust. Imagine dying that way. Imagine the fear and despondence of knowing that is your fate, as it has been for your parents, your children. Even your beloved pets were accused of being “Jewish” then stabbed to death. Yet, Eddie found happiness? How? Written on his first page, he endeavors to show us how. There are many things Eddie’s readers can take away from his story. I am not here to retell the Holocaust. That has been successfully done by those who survived it.

My take away is quietly knowing that softness can lead to survival. That softness leads to happiness. It does for me. Eddie found happiness in the dark, through the softness of his being. That is strong. That is survival. It is proof enough for me that I can live my life happily through my own nature. My softness. 

Real Softness

I want to believe that softness solves problems. I want to believe that softness prevents problems to begin with. That softness does not mean weakness. Softness can be achieved through practice. This in and of itself signifies that it is hard to be soft. It can be done though, with practice. As much as we do that requires practice, imagine what practicing softness could do. Imagine a problem you have being approached through softness. How might it change the outcome? I am by no means suggesting that softness means to resolve one’s self of assertion or to suppress feeling. I am suggesting that softness is an option. An alternative to violence, physical or emotional. Softness is an underutilized tool that we do not value enough to try. Try. Give it a chance.

Faux Strength

Violence is an act of weakness, out of a stumbling and shameful fear. There is nothing mysterious about that. Eddie is my teacher and advocate…for softness. I am not placing him on a pedestal. I imagine he would object to it. And I will not, by any means, attempt to recapture his life…but I will pass it onward in a mutual effort to change the world, softly. He knows how. I believe him. Day after day, night after night, years immersed in violence, Eddie suffered physical and emotional torture most people only see in the most grotesque of Hollywood films. Some of those films seek to capture the truth…the truth of what evil is a capable of, of inhumanity, absurdity, and senselessness. The weakness of people. Where is the softness?

Eddie managed to keep a soft heart in a hard, brutal, humiliating prison of grief and torture. He remembered his family. He remembered his life. He remembered himself.

He managed to stay true to who he was–a decent, smart, strong, hopeful, and soft-hearted man. Do those films appeal to your soft side? If so, that is good. If they make you angry, that too is good. Just remember that Anne Frank still believed that “in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart.” Remember that Fred Nietzsche warned that “Anyone who fights with monsters should make sure that he does not become a monster.” Remember that Confucius believed that “Only when a mosquito lands on your testicles, you will truly learn that there is always a way to solve problems without using anger or violence.”

Real Strength

I am lucky. I feel it in my gratitude. I am empathetic, and believe me when I tell you, there is a cost for it. It costs me my peace, at times. It is my values, my morals that keep me civil. Like Eddie. Empathy helps, but it can drive anger, my anger–a deep, writhing fury within for the unspeakable physical and emotional torture and suffering–joyfully inflicted by people onto each other.

If I give in to the anger, much like our friend, Luke Skywalker, was able to resist (yes, Star Wars offers wisdom to the young and impressionable as well as to the aging, who are still looking for it), I will become the monster (not heeding Nietzsche’s warning), and the cycle of suffering continues–through me.

No. I will not succumb to the weakness of evil, the weakness of harming others, the weakness of hate, the weakness of violence. I am soft. I notice how anger affects my softness. It is okay to feel anger. It is not okay to harm others as a result of it. As you can see, millions of people, same as you and me, suffered an agonizing, dehumanizing death by angry, weak, primitive, ignorant, violent “dividers” of people.

Eddie lived through it. And he is soft. Is there anything about his survival that is weak? 

It is hard to be soft.

It is my experience and observation that it is far more challenging to be soft in the face of adversity. It is a mark of intelligence, of evolution, to be soft, to be empathetic towards others.

A hero knows they can beat the oppressor; they can “win”. But, instead, they take pity, leaving them where they stand, with a choice–changing the world one “peace” at a time, offering the “bad guy” an opportunity to not be what they are. It is how Christopher Reeve was inspired to portray “Superman”. Eddie is a Superman. He asked, “Why?” Eddie asked the SS Nazi, caught like a rabid zombie, why? Why would you do this? He was weak and could not answer Eddie’s fair question.

I have made mistakes. I am not always soft. I am certain Eddie has made mistakes, too. We are human. Softness does not have to be reduced to feminine or masculine. It is human. Softness is necessary for survival. There are times when my softness makes me feel exploited and walked on, bullied…then I get angry!

My whole life, I have been told, taught, that my softness is weak, a shortcoming. I will remember Eddie in those moments when lashing out would be easy. I will remember that softness is strong. That softness can be my answer. And I will be happy. I will be happy because I made a choice to be. I will remember that it is hard to be soft, but I can choose to be who I am. To be soft. Thank you, Eddie. Yes, we are friends. Most certainly, we are friends.

~Rommie Oshrieh Neese

2-26-2024, In memory of my mother on her birthday

Breaking Up With Food: Season Finale | Healthy Aging Series: S9 E24

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Beginnings, Middles, and Ends.

What is your favorite season or series finale? Seinfeld? The Office? Breaking Bad?

I love these series and I hated to see them come to an end. I hate endings.

Sometimes I re-watch series and save the season or series finale for maybe a month or two. I did that with the new Star Trek series: Picard. I knew the series was ending, so I watched it in it’s entirely, except for the last three episodes. And then I savored them over the course of six weeks.

One of my Social Work professors, Dr. Timothy Johnson, explained that life, and really therapy, is made up of beginnings, middles, and ends. “You have to attend to each phase,” he would say.

Beginnings: build relationships, introduce new ideas, develop a roadmap.
Middles: revisit the map and goals you have set. Begin the discharge process.
Ends: review progress and develop relapse prevention.

This is the season nine finale, and I wanted to end it with a review, and maybe not relapse prevention, but more looking at excuses for why people fail to break up with food.

First, the Review

I hope I sold you on the idea that you have a relationship with food, and it’s likely that it’s a little dysfunctional. 

We looked at ways of determining if it’s dysfunctional.

I discussed the need for breaking up with food and why it’s so difficult.

Throughout this season, I shared four Obesity Memoirs from people who broke up and stayed broke up with food. These were heroic journeys.

I did an interview with Terri, a healthy ager.

I had six episodes that walked you through strategies for breaking up with food.

I finished up the season, providing you with the importance of hope and self-love for breaking up with food

I ended the season with advice for writing a love letter to yourself.

24 episodes.

Ready But Excuses

I was talking about this season with my wife, and she suggested sharing several excuses that keep people from breaking up with food and developing a new lifestyle.

Before I come up with excuses, I want to first say that some people don’t break up with food because they’re not ready. “The lesson begins when the student is ready.”

It usually takes some kind of crisis or life event to break up with food. It could be a lab report. It could be a book. That’s the case with me. 30 years ago my father gave me, “Turning Back the Clock,” by Dr. Bob Arnot. It changed the way I think about fitness.

It could be the loss of a mentor or friend to a preventable disease. It could be that still small voice that you listen to that’s telling you to do something else or you’re going to die.

OK, so let’s assume you’re ready. These are what I call “Ready But Excuses.” You’re ready but….

Ready But Excuse #1

“I don’t have time.” I get home and it’s dark. The mornings are busy getting ready for work and a long commute. My mornings are taken up with kids. I’m exhausted by the weekend, and I just want to relax.

My Advice: Start slow, 30 minutes a day, five days a week. Tag team child rearing with your partner. Alternate resistance training with cardio training. Put exercise on your calendar.

Ready But Excuse #2

“I don’t know how to start.”

Here’s some suggestions:
Join a fitness gym,
Hire a Trainer,
Read books on exercising and nutrition,
Carve out a physical space in your home to workout,
Buy some basic fitness tools. Dumbbells and a bench are a good start.

Ready But Excuse #3

“I don’t enjoy working out.”

My Advice: Try different gyms, classes, groups, activities. I love hiking. It requires almost no skills or equipment. Read episode 21. My wife loves Jazzercise. I cycle during the warmer months. Find something you love. Gyms can be boring.

Ready But Excuse #4

“I’m embarrassed about my appearance and my lack of athleticism.”

Advice: Everyone started there. Everyone was a little embarrassed, not knowing what to do in a gym or being seen walking in the neighborhood.

Here are my thoughts on this excuse: Do you think people are looking at you and thinking, “What a loser!” Nothing could be further from the truth. 99.9% of people who see you are envious because they wish they were working out. Inside they’re saying, “Go girl!”

My second thought is, project yourself out three or six months. You’ll look better, feel stronger, because you started and stayed with it!

Ready But Excuse #5

“I have (fill in the blank) pain.” Your knee. Your hips. Your feet. Your shoulders.

If you’re significantly overweight, your joints are likely suffering from carrying around that extra weight. It may mean you’ll need to focus on the nutrition side of breaking up with food first. You may need to lose 50 to 100 pounds first to take the pressure off your joints. You might need to invest in footwear. I was experiencing Achilles tendon pain. A friend recommended Hokas. Problem solved.

Spend time stretching. The Internet is full of tutorials for stretching.

Ready But Excuse #6

“I hate working out alone.” 

Fortunately, there are lots of group-fitness opportunities. Have I mentioned Jazzercize?
Unfortunately, working out can be a little lonely, but use this time to “get into your head.” Some of my most creative times are when I’m hiking alone.

Ready But Excuse #6

“I’ve tried breaking up with food before, but I usually end up making up. I keep going back.”

I get this. Really, think of life as a series of break ups. We will likely need to break up with food again, and again, and again.
What’s wrong with that?

I have wrestled with my relationship with food for 60+ years. I love food! I love get-togethers where there is food! I love eating sugar! And since I have continued to wrestle with food, I’m not 50 pounds overweight. I maintain a mostly healthy weight because I regularly have to break up with food over and over again.

Well, that’s it. Season Nine. I have thoroughly loved studying this topic and writing about it. I hope it helped you have a relationship change with food.

Next season is entitled “The Aging Brain.” I hope you join me.

Want to Break Up with Food? Write a Dear John Letter! | Healthy Aging Series: S9 E23

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Four days. Five national parks. 1400 miles. Utah.

I shared in an earlier episode that my son and I did a road trip this fall through Utah. 

During our trip, we listened to Edward Abbey’s book, “Desert Solitaire.” After all, it is Abbey’s Country. Abbey can be a little crusty. Sort of a curmudgeon. My son and I were remarking that his suggestion that they limit entrance to the national parks to walkers, bicycles, horses, and pigs was stupid. We got it. He wrote his book in the 60’s when cars were becoming ubiquitous. He worried about the damage that automobiles would cause to the wilderness. Note: Most national parks use Entrance Reservations and shuttle buses to lessen the impact of people on the park. Abbey introduced us to the desert mice, the solitude of Arches National Park, the snakes, the trees, the flowers, and the uranium prospectors of the 50’s and 60’s of southeastern Utah. 

Something jumped out at me in the first chapter that I had missed in previous readings. We had been listening to it on Audible. After a cup of coffee, on one of the cold high desert mornings, Abbey announced that he was going to go into his little ranger trailer and write a letter to himself.

The Lost Art of Letter Writing

When was the last time you wrote a letter? Not an email but a handwritten letter. I wrote and typed a few to my sons for Christmas several years ago. During my time in the Air Force, I was stationed at Ozan Air Base for about two years. It was 1976 to 1978. No cell phones. No email, not yet. I had just gotten married to my first wife; I wrote to her and my parents almost every week. I didn’t speak to them for nearly 2 years. Imagine that. Mom and Dad both wrote. I could hear their voices as I read those letters.

I’ve been reading a book about Herman Hesse, and his relationship with Carl Jung. They maintained their relationship with letters. The author of the book, Miguel Serrano maintained his relationship with Jung and Hesse with letters, mostly hand written. 

Maybe it’s time to resurrect the art of letter writing. And maybe the place to start is writing a letter to yourself, your true self. 

Abbey stepped into the little ranger trailer in the middle of Arches National Park to write a letter to himself, or as Carl Jung would say to his true self. People write letters to stay connected. People write letters to provide advice, help solve problems, and even to give hope and inspiration. They are called epistles in the Christian Scriptures. They are love letters and yes, Dear John letters, for breaking up.

What would a letter to your true self look like? 

Writing a love letter to yourself would include sharing how you’re doing. It would include bearing your soul, sharing your struggles, avoiding the pretension and phoniness that you project out in the world, your persona. Letters to your true self would contain your dreams, your prayers, and also your frustrations, failures, and sorrows. And then your struggles and questions about all of those things. And after you’ve written a letter to your true self, maybe you can answer it by having your true self send you a letter. You open your heart and your mind, your conscious, and let the return letter flow to you from your true self.

We’ve been talking about breaking up with food and staying broke up. For some of you, it’s about learning to maintain a healthy weight, stepping away from alcohol, or like me, you’re trying to prepare for the last 10 years of your life. Breaking up with food is a struggle for you. But for some of you, breaking up with food is a life and death fight to avoid Type 2 Diabetes, the loss of mobility, heart disease, and even premature death. 

Maybe your breakup is with alcohol.
I’ve struggled these past nine or 10 months with breaking up with alcohol. Don’t get me wrong. I follow the National Institute of Health guidelines for drinking 1 to 2 drinks if daily, three drinks, if less than daily. But I’ve looked at the effects of alcohol on my judgment. I haven’t decided to abstain from alcohol, but I am looking into ways of moderating my drinking. I’m in the middle of sober October as I write this. Maybe writing a letter to my true self would help settle it once and for all.

Sample letter to my true self about breaking up with food:

Dear True Self, 

I know it’s been a while since I last wrote. It’s hard to find a time. But now I need your help. Maybe I’ve neglected asking for help because I have this pride that keeps me from asking for help. You know me, I think I can solve my problems by myself, I don’t need anyone. But you know that’s not true. I want to be kind. I want to be wise. I want to be strong. But I do things that I think could threaten my well-being. What are those? Things like alcohol. You know I don’t abuse alcohol. But I think I need to get it completely out of my life or at least learn how to moderate it. I go back-and-forth on and off again, mostly on. I need help. I need clarity. I need strength. I need your help. Hope to hear from you soon.

Yours, 

Mark

–

Dear Mark,

It was so good to hear from you. I know you struggle. We all struggle. Life is difficult. I know you’ve made mistakes. You’re human, I know you care about the people in your life. And I know you want to be strong, both mentally and physically. Think about a few things when it comes to alcohol. Why do you want to drink. I know you’ve developed a routine around alcohol. You typically drink from 5 to 7 PM. I know. And it’s become a way to relax. You feel bored. You feel anxious. You feel spent. And then you drink. It’s the same with food. Maybe pushing through those times would help. Maybe it’s time to be honest with yourself. Maybe it’s time to love yourself. I wonder what you would say to a friend or family member or client if they came to you with a struggle and wanted to quit drinking alcohol. Wouldn’t you want to know why? I think you would avoid giving advice. I think you would help them sort through the reasons, maybe get to the root of their desire to quit. So, I want you to stop and think. I think you struggle with quitting because alcohol is a much bigger part of your life then you’re willing to admit. I think you struggle because you don’t want to lose the relationship that you have with alcohol. You know what it does for you. And I think you struggle because it embarrasses you to admit that you have a problem with it, that you don’t have the willpower over it. It’s time to admit that you really enjoy something that is potentially harmful to you, both physically and mentally. Maybe that’s the place to start. I have more to say. Respond back with your feedback on my thoughts. 

Take care, 

Your True Self

And now, maybe it’s time to write that Dear John letter.

Maybe it’s time to write that letter to food and break up with it once and for all. Be honest. The relationship that you have with it is killing you or maybe at best leading to some chronic problems that might not be life-threatening but will control your life for the rest of your life.

Go ahead and vent about that relationship with food. Tell food that it’s not your friend. Not anymore. And that you’re not going to depend on it for your emotional well-being. You’re not going to see it as a source of pleasure, because it’s killing you.

Write a letter to food, break up with it, and then find new relationships that will promote health and well-being in your life.

| To read more entries in the Healthy Aging series, click here.

 

The Real Reason You Can’t Stay Broke Up with Food | Healthy Aging Series: S9 E22

/in /by

“And now abide faith, hope, and love, but the greatest is love.”

 I Corinthians 13:13 KJV.

My heart breaks as I see or watch people in dysfunctional relationships. 

We had a patio party with some friends this past smoky weekend. Smoke from the Canadian forest fires filled the evening sky.

Here’s the story they told. A friend of theirs is married to a man who has a problem with alcohol. Their friend was explaining something complicated to her partner and her alcoholic partner was trying to interject his ideas, and eventually became so angry and told her to “Shut the fuck up!“

 His wife turned around and walked off in embarrassment, shame, or maybe even fear. I wondered why she stays with him. I was a member of Al-Anon for a number of years, and I remember hearing similar stories. Here’s what Al-Anon taught me: 

You cannot love your partner out of their addiction problems, but what you can do is love yourself out of the dysfunction of the relationship.

People who remain in abusive relationships often do so because they fail to love themselves. 

Don’t misunderstand me, these dysfunctional relationships are mired in all kinds of issues: financial dependence, cultural taboos, and religion, just to name a few.

Al-Anon taught me that I can only help others if I first take care of and love myself.

Cover your ears if you don’t want to hear this next part. If you choose to stay in a dysfunctional relationship, it might indicate that you are having lapses of self-love. It’s love gone awry. 

Love gone awry means that the lack of self-love transports you to a land were choice is extinct. There comes a point in life when you are living in a dysfunctional relationship, to say it’s over! I love myself, and the best way to demonstrate love is to break up.  

If this is true for our dysfunctional relationship with people, it might also be true for a relationship with food. We get into trouble breaking up and staying very broke up with food because we have lapses, at least temporary lapses, of self-love. What else could it be? 

Something has to compete with our appetites and cravings. Something has to compete with our addiction to sugar. Something has to break the chain of overeating and binge eating. And maybe that something is self-love. 

It isn’t self-loathing that keeps us in a dysfunctional relationship with food. It’s love that has gone awry. When we love food more than we love ourselves, we love what it does for us. Food makes us forget about us. Food makes us forget about what it’s doing to us, one calorie at a time. Food makes us strong and powerful and creates a new you. It makes us feel good if only for a moment. But food can also rob you of a future with your children, your family, and your friends by shortening your life. 

In the past blog, I’ve told you that in order to have a breakup with food, you have to start thinking differently about food. But first, you have to start thinking differently about yourself. 

Think this: I love me. I don’t want to hurt me. I want to take care of me. Food doesn’t care about me so I need to care about me.  I want to take care of me. I want to be happy and healthy the last 10 years of my life, so I want to take care of myself now. Giving into those cravings might feel good but I want to take care of me. I love me. Those momentary pleasures are not good for me. Self-love is the only thing that can break the spell that food has over you. Self-love is the only thing that can break you out of the trance that food has over you. Self-love is the magic that will make your cravings and appetites disappear. 

Where to Start with Self-Love

In the same way that you would protect your family member from harm, protect yourself from harm. Tell yourself that your relationship with food is hurting you, it’s harming you! Cry!! 

Let yourself feel the pain of food addiction and cry because it hurts you.

Pledge to take care of the most important thing in your life, you and your body. Your body is vulnerable to its appetites. It needs you to love it and shepherd it, to take care of it! Be your body’s champion. Be your body’s protector. It needs you to love it and care for it.

Stop now, and look at your hands, your arms, your body. Find a mirror. Look into it. Look at yourself. Decide now whether or not you love the person you’re looking at, or rather, will you love the person you’re looking at? Will you start loving you? 

In my last blog I talked about magic, not magic in the Harry Potter sense, but magic in the ability for you to change from the inside out. 

Once you start loving yourself, you then need to believe that there is magic within you to change you and transform you. 

Breaking up with food is mostly an inside job! 

My next blog will be about writing a Dear John Letter to food.

| To read more entries in the Healthy Aging series, click here.