When the Disapproval Rating Hits Home | Healthy Aging Series: S11 E21
Dad’s Bad Idea
I grew up in rural Southern Indiana, not too far as the crow flies from where Lincoln spent his formative years, around 10 miles from Spencer County. For some reason, Dad was happy bouncing around Warrick County.
One of the places we landed was a 50-acre farm with a 100-year-old two-story farmhouse. Dad and a neighbor remodeled the house, which included removing a beehive from the attic.
I was eight or nine when we lived there and I remember playing in the old barn. Dad had just started getting into horses. Something he would later admit had been a bad idea (as Towelie would say). We were there on the old farm through a couple of summers, lots of time on our hands, lots of time for mischief.
Our Bad Idea
I’m not sure which of my siblings was responsible, but someone acquired a pack of our father‘s Pall Malls and we decided to smoke one.
I was not a fan. And to make matters worse, when our father found out, he made us smoke a cigarette in front of him as punishment. That sealed the deal. I would never, ever, ever become a smoker.
There are some relationships with things and people that are never a good idea and need to go.
I have learned the hard way that there are some things, and there are some relationships with people, that are toxic and unhealthy, such as smoking, or any other unhealthy habit, and walking away from those relationships is a way of preserving our mental health and tranquility.
The Stoic Practice of Handling Insults
I’ve been sharing throughout this season, some of the Stoic Practices that help preserve our tranquility.
We’ll look at friendships in a later episode, but I want to write about one aspect of relationships that we often experience: insults.
I’ve gotten much better through the years when someone has said something disparaging about me in public, or even to my face, but those insults do take their toll on me and create distress, much like the cigarette my dad made me smoke as punishment.
So, how did the Stoics handle insults?
Two words (or maybe three). The first word: Ignore, or ignore the insult.
They had a rather formulaic way of ignoring an insult. First, they would recommend ignoring the insult if you don’t respect the person that is making the insult, or second, ignore the insult if it’s true, and by ignoring, they would say take it to heart.
Let me break this down a little. If someone insults you, someone you have no respect for why would you care what they say? I work with many, many people throughout the state. Many I respect, and some I don’t. Few months back, I heard through the rumor mill that another agency owner in the state had said some insulting things about me, or really about our agency.
We’ve been working our way through William Irvine’s book, A Guide to the Good Life.
He writes, “When we consider the sources of insults, says Seneca, we will find that those who insult us can best be described as overgrown children. In the same way that a mother would be foolish to let the insults of her toddler, upset her, we would be foolish to let the insults of these childish adults, upset us. In other words, we will find that those insulting us have deeply flawed characters. Such people says Marcus Aurelius, rather than deserving our anger, deserve our pity.”
My knee-jerk response was to call this person and confront him. Instead, I ignored the insult because I don’t respect this person.
What if the insult had been true?
What if what he said about me was true?
The second word: Learn
If it had been true… it would’ve been best to learn from it. Sometimes the truth hurts, and sometimes it needs to be taken to heart. I’m guessing the Stoic would say that it wasn’t an insult, we just responded to it as an insult. Maybe, we should respond by saying, “That’s a fair statement.”
The third word is: Humor
Irvine writes, “Even if we succeed in removing the stinging of an insult, we are left with a question of how best to respond to it. Most people think that the best response is a counter-insult, preferably one that is clever. The Stoics however, reject this advice. And how are we to respond to an insult, if not with a counter insult? One wonderful way says Stokes, is with humor.”
The stoics didn’t suggest mockery, but I’m not sure if depending on the circumstances, the person doing the insulting, wouldn’t see it as mockery. I think mockery would exacerbate the insult or to magnify the insult. I can’t say that I am a fan of humor. Maybe self-deprecation is the type of humor Stoics intended. OK, a little self-deprecation is appropriate to disarm an insult.
But let’s move this in a slightly different direction.
What if the disapproval rating comes from a person close to you?
Using Resentment to Protect you from Toxic Relationships
What if you become resentful? There are those who would tell you that resentment or being resentful is wrong, even harmful for the person holding the resentment.
I think there is a time and place for resentment. I think resentment helps you hold on to the insults and mistreatments that you would otherwise forgive. Sometimes, we forgive people who hurt us, disrespect us, and even harm us, and sometimes we need to resent these people, and never let them back into our lives.
Resentment helps us remember the harms and ills of those toxic relationships. Resentment acts as a guard rail or perimeter, to protect us, to help us remain unforgiving. Sometimes we need resentment in our lives. Sometimes insults take a toll on us, and they need to stop. Sometimes, resentment is the only thing we have to protect ourselves from those insults.
I have a few resentments, very few. I resent people who feel entitled to insult me.
This is where I diverge, or possibly just contribute to the Stoic Practice toward insults. Maybe this is my way of taking the Stoic position one step further.
Sometimes, enough is enough.
If I allow myself to feel resentful, then maybe I will prevent myself from going into my kinder, forgiving side, and letting bygones be bygones.
I think deep down maybe this is something that we all want to hear. I think there are people who don’t deserve our forgiveness. I’ve heard the old saying that suggests that if you don’t let go of your resentments, you’re the person that’s being hurt. I’m not so sure I agree with that. I’m not talking about having an ongoing relationship with anger. I think anger and resentment are two different practices. I think resentment is more of a cognitive practice, and anger is more of an emotional practice. I think resentment is our psyche’s way of helping us, by protecting us from that toxic second-hand smoke of personal relationships that are characterized by volleys of insults.
Believe me, I speak from experience. There are people who need to be out of your life, and the only thing that will help you maintain that arrangement is by embracing your resentment toward them.
We are living in caustic times where all forms of toxicity are attacking our psyche.
Maybe you don’t find it difficult to break up with people you’ve had in your life for 20 or 30 years. I have a hard time doing that out of some sense of responsibility for them, but I need them out of my life and I need to allow myself to be and act resentful toward them which will help me maintain a sense of tranquility in my life.
