Tag Archive for: retirement

5 Strategies for Aging, or Rather Dying, Gracefully | Healthy Aging Series: Part 20

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OK really? Who wants to learn how to die gracefully?! 5 ways to die gracefully? I either lost you or hooked you with the title of this blog. And since you’re reading it, I assume I hooked to you. 

I read a good book this summer. Probably the best book I’ve read on aging. It’s a book by Elizabeth Marshall Thomas titled, “Growing Old: Notes on Aging with Something Like Grace.” I struggled with the book at first. Then, I liked it. And then, I loved it. I took time off from reading it and missed it. Reading “Growing Old” was like scrolling through Thomas’ Instagram page. The good, the bad, and the ugly of what she calls “notes” on life.

Thomas is defiant in her book. Defiant about death and about aging. The dust cover of the book has a picture of her smoking on her 88th birthday. She’s lighting her cigarette with her birthday-cake candles. She’s giving a big middle finger to growing old. I loved it. Maybe not so graceful. “Aging,“ she writes, “is not for the faint hearted.” 

The First Three Strategies for Aging Well 

Thomas may be defiant about the idea of aging, but her book also one of the most tender and intimate books on aging that I’ve read. Sure, she has three suggestions on aging well. First, stay healthy. OK, I’ve written a lot about ways of staying healthy. I’ve talked about exercise and good nutrition. Not so much about sleep, but it’s just as important. So, I’m not going to talk about it during this blog. Second, do something. I’ve written about this as well and will continue to write about in upcoming blogs. You need to have purpose and something worth doing as you age. Thomas has written 15 books, and she’s in the middle of writing a novel. She’s doing something. Third, don’t be isolated. I’ve talked a lot about this when it comes to your psychological resiliency. Staying involved and engage in the community and with others is extremely important to aging gracefully. So, there is some sage advice in her book, and its good advice about aging.

New Title for Her Book

I thought about her title, “Notes on aging with Something Like Grace,” and wondered if a better title might have been “Notes on Dying Gracefully.”

Strategy 4 For Dying Well: A Healthy Denial of Getting Old

There are two more strategies in our book. The one that stands out to me is her Healthy Denial of Getting Old.
She expresses this very healthy denial of getting old, and not in the sense that she is denying the aging process of dying but in the sense that getting old does not have a predetermined script. 

“Ninety looks like fifty,“ she writes, “when you’re forty.”

I’m guessing that most 50 and 60-year-olds do not feel 50 or 60. Age is relative. A number. I am 66 years old. Do I feel 66 years old? Really, I have a few aches and pains, but I don’t feel different than I did when I was 50 or 55 years old maybe I’m a little smarter and not in the arrogant sense. I know more about my profession than I did 10 to 20 years ago. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I can guide people into wilderness areas. I’ve learned a lot about relationships, and about life, and about the world. I hope I have.

Thomas shares a story about the time she had a discussion with her grown children about what would happen to her house when she dies. Her grandson was part of this conversation and became tearful and said, “You can’t die grandma.” “Everyone dies,” she told him. “Not you.” he said.

A heathy denial of getting old does not mean that I’m in denial that I’m going to die. It means denying that there is a prescribed way that I must die. I get to write my own script for getting older. I get to age and die on my terms, the way I want.

Strategy 5 for Dying Well: Coping with Losses

One of the more intimate sections of the book is about the loss of her dog, pearl. Thomas guides us through the deaths of her parents, and then her husband, who died from ALS, and then pearl. Losing the people in her life was like losing an emotional support system and losing companions. Losing pearl as she describes it, was like losing part of herself. Death takes its toll on those it leaves behind. Thomas describes the loss of pearl, as losing part of herself, like an arm and a leg. 

Note: Since loss is such a common experience with aging, I will do a complete series on loss and grief.

All my siblings experienced the loss of my parents differently. I think my sisters miss them the most. My mother would often comment about the loss of my father and the loss of her friends. I’m not sure how all this loss affects us, but Thomas implies that it makes us more compassionate toward others. Does, seeing the shortness of life, as you experience the loss of others, soften us towards others, looking past imperfections, wishing them well, and showing them kindness? That’s compassion. The other side of love is freedom I read years ago. That’s what the world needs, loss equals compassion. Maybe I’ll add another strategy for dying gracefully that I got from Thomas. 

This is part twenty in the Healthy Aging Series, written by Mark Neese, LCSW, BCBA. To see more entries in this series, click here.

How to Live Well in the Marginal Decade

How to Live Life Backwardly | Healthy Aging Series: Part 19

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Several years ago, I worked with a young man who walked backwards. OK, he had some psychological problems and I guess if you think about it, what he did, kind of made sense. He didn’t want people sneaking up on him. He was a little paranoid, and a little cautious. 

Your Marginal Decade

I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts (Huberman Lab) a few days ago. Dr. Andrew Huberman was interviewing Dr. Peter Attia. They were sharing a concept that I often share with my clients.  I preach that you need to prepare for the last 10 years of your life. They referred to this period of your life as, your Marginal Decade. They also introduced a new concept that was developed by Annie Duke, author of  “Thinking in Bets.” The concept was Backcasting, and it really doesn’t have anything to do with walking backward, and it is very different than the typical way we look at our lives. 

Backcasting vs. Forecasting

I recently went to my doctor, and she ordered a vascular screening. They looked at my calcium levels around my heart, and at my carotid arteries, and my pulmonary artery. They looked at my bone density. Lots of stuff.

They took a snapshot of my current risk factors and then they forecasted whether I was at risk for a cardiovascular event. That’s what the medical community does. They gather information through various screenings, such as your weight, your blood work, and current behaviors, and then they use that data to predict or forecast what your future health conditions will be. I wrote a blog about a study that asked whether there were predictors for successful aging. That’s forecasting.  

Backcasting is doing just the opposite. I tell my clients (often) that they must prepare for the last 10 years of their life. During the podcast is was referring to earlier, Dr. Attia, introduced a new term or a new way of looking at those last 10 years. He referred to them as the Marginal Decade. It is the last decade that you will live, and it is likely to be a tough one.

“ The gravity of aging,“ Dr Attia said, “is more vicious than we can imagine.”

I couldn’t agree more. That last decade has the potential of being very vicious to us. One of the strategies that has been suggested for preparing for that last decade is the process of Backcasting. Here is how it works: Think about what you want your marginal decade to look like (Fitness goals, psychological goals, social goals), and then begin developing strategies that will help you arrive at those goals. In other words, this is a creative way of preparing for the last 10 years of your life.

How I Backcasted My Life

This is a very personal experience and process. I believe, based on my parents average age of their death (85 years old), that I will be entering into my marginal decade in nine years. What do I want those last 10 years, from 75 to 85, to look like? First, I imagine that I want to be stable and able to come and go as I please. Second, I imagine that I want to be able to do the things that a person needs to do take care of himself to get around, and to get in and out of the community. Third, I imagine that want to be able to use my brain in my relationships, in my work, in my travels, and in my adventures. Fourth, I imagine that I want good solid relationships in my life. Fifth, I imagine that I want to continue writing. Sixth, I want to be able to study the things that I’m interested in. I want to go to the bottom of the well on topics that interest me! Seventh, I want to be able to hike mountains. I want to be able to cycle 15 or 20 miles on a Sunday afternoon. I want to be strong and be able to lift my own body weight in a dead lift. Backcasting doesn’t just mean physicality and emotional well-being, but it also involves your financial stability. Eighth, I imagine having the resources necessary to travel and have a comfortable life. These things are important to me. 

What do you want your Marginal Decade to look like? 

Once you get a snapshot of your marginal decade in your mind, it’s time to start mapping out the months, years, and decades leading up to that marginal decade. So, how do you act on a good Backcast of your marginal decade? I believe there are some meaningful and simple steps that you can take to do this. I’ve written blogs on resiliency, and these blogs address a lot of what I’m about to share. 

When it comes to physical resiliency, you’re looking at nutrition, exercise, and sleep. Set goals for yourself physically. Currently my goal is to exercise 8 to 10 hours a week. It always involves some resistance training. Usually that involves lifting weights to stay strong. I also do a lot of cardio exercising which includes cycling, hiking, and backpacking. If I want to be strong during my marginal decade, then I’m going to have to continue being strong and the decade leading up to my marginal decade.

If you want a healthy brain, then I must exercise. I am writing blogs currently on the aging brain and one of the principles that I’ve learned is, what’s good for the heart is good for the brain. We all know what’s good for the heart. I’ve also talked about being stable as you get older to avoid falls. My prescription is to add instability into your work outs to be more stable. So, I’m working on continuing to be strong during the decades leading up to my marginal decade. When I was in my late 50s, I was using a personal trainer and he asked me what I wanted my goal to be for when I was 60. I told him, “ I want to be a bad ass when I’m 60!” Now it’s my goal as I approach seventy.

What about Backcasting for your psychological well-being?

How do you maintain your psychological resiliency during your marginal decade? There are many things that you can do now to ensure that when you’re in your marginal decade you have a healthy and strong psychological constitution. First, being psychologically and emotionally resilient means having friends, investing your time and energy into your family and social relationships. Second, it means studying. Study topics that interest you! Read difficult books. Learn difficult things. Third, work your brain out the same way you would work out your body. Push yourself psychologically. Fourth, force yourself to have social engagements with your family and friends! Look for new friendships! 

These are the things that I am doing to prepare for my marginal decade. This isn’t brain surgery folks! Getting older and preparing for your marginal decade is not like falling off a log. And by that, I mean it isn’t going to happen accidentally. You must be purposeful in preparing for that marginal decade! I suppose that preparing for your marginal decade is in its simplest terms developing a lifestyle that will bring about positive changes and help sustain what you’ve been working on to date. Start working on that lifestyle now.

This is part nineteen in the Healthy Aging Series, written by Mark Neese, LCSW, BCBA. To see more entries in this series, click here.

Healthy Aging Series by Mark Neese

How to Have a Killer Retirement: 3 Principles for “Writing Your Own Script” | Healthy Aging Series: Part 18

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I was sitting at a McDonald’s a few years ago and overheard a conversation between two men. Both men were in their early 60’s. I recall that one of them had already retired and he was trying to convince the other man to retire. His argument was that when you retire, your time is your own.

It’s interesting the way we are programmed about retirement. Work all your adult life until you turn sixty-five. Stop working. Live on your retirement income. End of story. That’s how it’s written. I get it. I can’t imagine working a job when I’m eighty or ninety. Or maybe I can. I met with a couple this morning. They’re owners of an agency called, “The Center for Conscious Aging.” Chris, who is seventy-three, has a mother who is ninety-three. She retired at eighty-seven. Chris is still working. Maybe, that’s not how it’s written.

My brother-in-law is eighty-four and still working. People continue to work into their seventies and eighties for several reasons. They want to make a difference. They need to supplement their retirement income. They need to stay connected with people. They simple love what they do. Lots of reason. There is no right way or wrong way to spend your senior years. Retirement is a social construct. It’s a pre-written script that many, many individuals during retirement age refuse to follow. Maybe, we can write our own script for retirement.

I’ve been reading a lot of books on aging and one phrase that has come up a few times is: “You need to write your own script.” Maybe the word ‘narrative’ resonates with people today. 

Creating Your Own Script/Narrative.

The beauty of the retirement years is you get to decide what they look like. They are YOUR retirement years. Not mine. Not your children’s. Not your co-worker’s. Not your wife’s. You only get one crack at your senior years. Maybe thirty or thirty-five years if you’ve taken care of yourself and if you’re lucky. You get the chance to craft a life for yourself that will bring you happiness and contentment. Sure, there are limits to what you can do, limits to what your narrative will look like, but still, regardless of your limits, you can craft a life that suits you. You can write a script that mirrors what you value and what you find important.

How does one write their own script?

For some of you reading this, it’s too soon to start writing you script. You’re in your forties and fifties. The last thing you’re thinking about is retirement. But it’s not too soon to start dreaming about your future self, about what your life might look like in your seventies and eighties.

But if you’re in your late fifties or early sixties, it’s time to start, and here are some principles that I have used to write my script.

First Principle: What Gives Me Meaning and Purpose in Life?

My script reflects my desire to make a difference in this world. I can’t imagine not doing what I do. I get up each week, knowing that I help people face and solve their problems. It’s tiresome at times, but a good kind of tiresome. I work with a teen that is struggling with gender identity issues. I work with an elderly woman that lost her husband. I work with a young man that has lost his way. And a woman that struggles with her life choices. My script involves working  as long as I’m able to listen and express care and concern. What gives you meaning and purpose? Making furniture? Volunteering at the local homeless shelter? Crafting? Being a mentor to young people in your church, synagogue, or neighborhood? Being a Friendly Visitor? Whatever it is, write those things into your script.

Second Principle: What do I value?

My Script reflects the relationships that I value. I value my relationship with my wife. No surprise there! I value my relationship with my sons, with my grandchildren, and with my friends. My script reflects the people that I value. My script has me home most of the time with my wife. My script has me spending some evenings during the month with my son, Derrick, and every three months with my other son, Trevor, and my two granddaughters, Sophie and Harper. My script has me hiking with my good friend, Sam, and a couple of young men that challenge the hell out of me, Chris and Stacy. I have written people into my script.

Third Principle: Taking care of Myself.

My script reflects the importance of taking care of myself. I remember visiting my father after a very long and grueling backpacking trip in the Sierra Mountains. His response was, “Kimberly (the name he called me), that doesn’t seem like fun to me!” I said, “We’ll Dad, it wasn’t fun. That’s not why I do it!” His script didn’t involve challenging himself, mentally and physically that way. Mine did.

My script involves hiking, biking, and lifting weights. It involves limiting my sugar intake. Watching my weight. Reading self-help books. It involves watching very stupid movies like Sharknado and watching funny series like “What we do in the Shadows.”
My script involves spending time with my extended family. It involves walking every Thursday with my friend Gordon. It involves having some good collegial friends that I can call and consult with about tough cases.

My script involves what we call, self-care. I tell the newer therapists that I supervise, if they want to continue doing what they are doing for the next 25 or 30 years, they need to take care of themselves. How are they going to take care of others, their family, and friends, and their clients, if they are spent? I have written Self-Care into my script. Maybe this is where I should have started.

Writing your own script doesn’t mean that you are literally writing a script. What it means is, you are living the life that you want regardless of what others say. It means following your own compass in your senior years, your True North.

I love the movie, “Citizen Kane.”  The character played by Orson Welles, is on his deathbed, and with his last breath says, “Rosebud.” The reporter that witnessed his death spends the rest of movie trying to figure out, who was Rosebud. I won’t spoil the ending, other than to say that Rosebud was important to him. His final word reflected the script that he had been living.

What will you say on your deathbed? What is your Rosebud? Are you living a script that you’ve written?

I’m not sure what my last words will be in my script. I haven’t written them yet. Maybe they’ll be, “Game over, man!” (I love the movie Aliens) Or, maybe I’ll write something else. Maybe I’ll write what McMurtry wrote into Gus McCrae’s last words, into his script in Lonesome Dove. “It’s been quite a party, ain’t it, Woodrow.”

This is part eighteen in the Healthy Aging Series, written by Mark Neese, LCSW, BCBA. To see more entries in this series, click here.