Tag Archive for: mental health

Friday Waypoints- 02/01/19

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My Choice of Music this Morning-

Sometimes I need music to comfort me. Most therapists experience a lot of chaos in their work from week to week. I’m sure you can imagine. With new therapists that I train, I preach a lot about “self-care.” I encourage them to do the things that help them decompress and recharge. That could be going to the movies, hanging out with their friends and family members, reading mystery novels, exercising, as well as enjoying hobbies, crafts, and yes, music. One of the best gifts anyone has given me over the past decade or two was from my son, Trevor, who left me his iTunes music library when he left to live in Colorado. I couldn’t believe what I was listening to. Wonderful music. It changed my life. Who hasn’t listened to “Tables for Glass,” by Jimmy Eat World, and hasn’t been changed? “It happens too fast, to make sense of it, to make it last.” Life does happen too fast!

And on this cold winter morning, I’m listening to Libera. This is a Boys Choir. And at this moment, I’m listening to Voca Me. And my psyche, my soul, is being soothed. It’s mostly in Latin, but the sounds and the harmony comfort me.

Book I’m Reading-

I’ve been reading “Finally Full, Finally Slim,” by Lisa R. Young PhD this week. I was intrigued by the description of her book in the New York Times article, For Real Weight Control, Try Portion Control.”

I have often thought that one of the problems that we experience in this country is the size of our portions. It has been my firm belief that utilizing a “½ portion size” method is a very effective weight-loss strategy. In other words, consider the portions that you want and halve them. The same approach can work in a restaurant. Split your meal with someone else. Lisa Young does a pretty good job of emphasizing the fact that portion sizes have grown dramatically over the decades and we need to consider downsizing them. She also points out that it isn’t just the size of the portions, it’s the type of calorie that we are eating. Most of the book is common sense and there isn’t a lot of new information in it, but it’s worth reminding ourselves that we are eating too much!

Ice Ribbons and Geodes-

I couldn’t wait to get back home from my trip to Colorado to spend time with my peeps and get into the Jefferson Memorial forest. My hike this past weekend seemed to lift all of the travel burdens and all of the weight of local and national news. Hiking isn’t for everyone, but for me, it’s my therapy, my church, my muse, my meditation, and my support group. I look forward to hiking in it for the next 30 years (I will be 92!).

For those of you that are familiar with Christian Scriptures, there is the parable of the farmer that is plowing in the field and comes across a treasure and sells everything to buy the field. At times, I feel like that farmer while hiking in the Jefferson Memorial forest. At times I find bird feathers along the trail from turkeys, crows, blue jays and hawks. Their little gifts to me. The geodes in the streams are exciting to find, take home and crack open. And in the winter months, the Ice Ribbons bloom. They are so delicate and beautiful. I see one and get excited because I know there are likely many more. I was not disappointed this past weekend.

What’s Wrong with My Teenager?

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I’ve been listening to a series of lectures on Audible entitled, “Understanding the Mysteries of Human Behavior,” by Mark Leary, Ph.D. He’s a professor of Psychology and Neuroscience at Duke University. I’m going to be sharing several of his topics over the next few months. The one that caught my eye was, “Why Don’t Adolescents Behave like Adults?” Here are some of his thoughts:

First, there tends to be more family conflict when kids transition into adolescence.

The good news is that this conflict generally is short-lived (lasting the first couple of years of adolescence) and generally focused on minor issues such as their personal appearance, dating, family rules, and curfews. The reason for these conflicts seem to be rooted in the teen’s desire to establish their independence, which is a healthy and important part of their development.

Second, Teens tend to display more rapid and extreme mood swings when they enter into adolescence.

Certainly, hormones play a role in these emotional swings, but researchers are looking at the role that stress plays in mood instability. Leary points out that, “Adolescence involves major personal and social changes and transitions that would be stressful at any age, but for a young person without much life experience, these changes can be overwhelming.” Increased stress equals increased mood instability.

Third, teenagers tend to display an increase in risky behaviors which, as Leary points out, “have the potential to harm them or others.”

I see a lot of these teens, and here’s what’s happening in their brains. This increase in risky behavior is due to the interplay between two distinct networks in the brain. The first network is the socioemotional network. This network process rewards, especially social rewards. As a child enters adolescence, the reward center of the brain changes and teenagers begin to pay more attention to potentially rewarding experiences. The cognitive control network controls what is typically called executive functioning and involves functions such as planning and impulse control. Unfortunately, this network develops gradually throughout adolescence and matures by the mid-twenties. One system is telling the teen to speed up and the other is telling them to slow down. Unfortunately, the cognitive control network can be outmatched by the socioemotional network. It’s like putting a new driver behind the wheel of a race car.

So, to address the question, “What’s wrong with my teenager,” the answer is nothing.

Teens are becoming something. They are becoming adults and stretching the wings that one day they will be using independently. They are testing boundaries that one day will not be there and they are exploring and taking risks that one day will be wonderful growth experiences. But until they become adults, they need our guidance, support, teachable moments, patience, and they need a gradually increased amount of freedom to become the people that you have raised them to become.

I often hear extended family members counsel younger parents. The younger parents are overwhelmed and exhausted with the the task of raising children. Aunt Susan will respond with, “If you think it’s bad now, wait until they’re teenagers.” I couldn’t disagree more! Yes, it’s painful at times watching them transition into an adult, but it’s also one of the most reward times that you will have with them. Understanding what’s going on is the key to looking forward to it and even enjoying it!!!!

Escape. Explore. Connect.

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I do a lot of walking in parks. This past week I noticed the signs at Joe Creason Park had the following tag at the end: Escape. Explore. Connect. What good advice. People seem more stressed today than ever before. Relationships seem more complicated. We’re connected to social media, the news networks, podcasts, and our smartphones to the point that most of us are mentally exhausted. We worry about our kids, our finances or jobs, whether or not to vaccinate our kids (the answer, of course, is yes, yes, yes, get your children vaccinated) and we worry about our health and mortality.

If any of this applies to you, here is my prescription:  Escape. Explore. Connect. Sometimes, it’s that simple. I tell people all the time that one of the benefits of getting out and exploring the forests and parks is the feeling that time slows down. It happens to me all the time. I spend 3 or 4 hours hiking and it seems like I’ve been out for a day. An overnight backpacking trip feels like a full weekend.

Time slows down when you Escape, Explore, Connect.

Lately, I’ve been in the forests exploring for geodes. I am fascinated with them. I love to bring them home and crack them open to discover the quartz crystals inside. Sometimes they’re solid quartz. They are all beautiful. Some are the size of walnuts and some the size of baseballs. What I’ve discovered is that they took hundreds of thousands, if not millions of years to form. Air bubbles developed underground and were slowly filled with crystals by quarts-saturated water. There are lots of ways to connect with the forest and this is one of them. I’m out there in the creek beds exploring and escaping. I am carried away to a time millions of years ago. Escape. Explore. Connect.

This spring, I hope to begin collecting, drying and mounting plants and their flowers. Escape. Explore. Connect.

This March, we are going to host a family-friendly hike in the Jefferson Memorial Forest. It will be the first Saturday of Spring, March 23, 2019. It will be your chance to get some Nature Therapy and to Escape. Explore. Connect.

Friday Waypoints- 1/11/19

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Job Satisfaction

Every now and then something happens that makes you question yourself and what you’re doing. This week I had a brief encounter with a young man that is struggling with life. He’s living with his mother, unemployed, and bearing a mental health burden that no one deserves. My heart goes out to him and his mother. Unfortunately, he is unable to handle the gentle pressure that therapy sometimes places on you and our session ended prematurely due to his very agitated response. And unfortunately for me, his response triggered memories of similar incidents over the past 25 years. That’s the nature of the work we do. Sometimes people come to us and change us. I shared this incident with a colleague and she shared a similar incident that almost caused her to quit being a therapist. She was assaulted by a client during a session. We are people. We love helping people.

So, what do we do? We see the next client, weather the negative reviews on google, share our burdens with family and friends, get out and hike. We listen to the latest Bon Iver album. At times, we see a therapist. And we stoke the flames that that burn deeply within us, that brought us to the very first therapy session, that for some of us was 25 years ago.

I love what I do. Later in the week, I sat across from Harper, a 14-year old that needs my help. She was abandoned by her father and struggling to make sense of it and of life. She’s growing and it warms my heart. Like I said, sometimes people come to us and change us.

Stoic Quote

A friend gave me “The Daily Stoic,” by Ryan Holiday. The quote for this past Wednesday was from Epictetus: “Some things are in our control, while others are not. We control our opinion, choice, desire, aversion, and in a word, everything of our own doing. We don’t control our body, property, reputation, position, and in a word, everything not of our own doing.” Those of you that know me, know that I live my life based, in part, by slogans. It helps me stay focused on the important stuff. One slogan that relates to this quote from Epictetus is “Adjust to the things that won’t adjust to you.” This slogan reminds me that there are things that are not going to change no matter how much effort I apply to them. In a way, that’s why I love the Jefferson Forest, and the Red River Gorge, and the Grand Canyon, and all the other places that I explore. They are not going to adjust to me no matter what I do. We need immutable things in our lives. And we need to adjust to them. That includes places AND people.

Student Intern

Our new Student Intern started this past week. Her name is Sharonda Tunstull. She is a graduate student at Campbellsville University, working on her Master’s in Social Work. We are so fortunate to have her with our agency. She is going to be developing an Adolescent Group and seeing individuals and families for therapy. She is also going to co-lead a group for individuals with development and intellectual disabilities called, “Positive Relationships.” Welcome aboard, Sharonda!!!!

Friday Waypoints- 1/4/19

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Four Words- Describe your Resolution in 4 Words.

I started the 30-Day Well Challenge in the New York Times this week. What initially caught my eye were the four words that they used to describe the challenge:

Move. Nourish. Refresh. Connect.

That just about sums up life, at least the important things. They represent four potential goals: 1) I’m going to move more this year. 2) I’m going to eat food that nourishes my body. 3) I’m going to refresh through rest and recreation. 4) I’m going to value the people in my life by staying connected with them.

What four words would you use to describe what you want to emphasize in your new year? What are the things that inspire you? Who are the people that challenge you? Where are the places that you have always wanted to go? What are the events that motivate you to grow?

If I think about it, these might be some words I would use:

Fourteeners. Walking. Read. Family.

Each of these words has a personal significance for me. I’m planning on hiking 4 or 5 Fourteeners (14,000 foot peaks) in Colorado this summer. I have to start getting ready. I have challenged myself to walk 10,000 steps a day this next year. I’m going to read more this year. And I’m going to spend time relaxing with my loved ones.

Maybe you have a special event this year. Maybe you want to run a ½ marathon this year. Maybe you want to reconnect with a family member that you have lost the connection with.

30-Day Well Challenge

I invite you to take up the 30-Day Well Challenge. It’s free and honestly, it seems really fun.

The first challenge is to write a letter to yourself. This letter serves as a coach for the following 30 days.

Each day there is a challenge that “helps you build healthy habits for your body, mind and spirit, one daily challenge at a time.”

Sometimes we need something simple, fun and new to help us get a good start to the new year.

Simply google: New York Times 30-day Well Challenge to get started.

Book I’m Reading- The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday

This is a daily meditation book and could be used to supplement any other daily meditation book you read or could be used by itself.

This morning’s reading is entitled “The Big Three” and it promotes three disciplines as the bedrock of Stoicism and really, wise living:

Control your perceptions.

Direct your actions properly.

Willing accept what’s outside your control.

I find these three concepts very helpful. I look forward to the the next 361 readings.

Friday Waypoints- 12/28/18

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Book I’m Reading:

I picked up James Hamblin’s book, “If Our Bodies Could Talk,” to read on the plane during a recent trip. It’s great read. Think of it as an FAQ about the body. He covers topics that are interesting like, “What are dimples?” and “Why are blue eyes blue?” I particularly found his discussion about vitamins very helpful. If you’re convinced that taking vitamins is helpful, you might want to get his book and read this section. There’s a lot of money being spent to convince you that you need vitamin supplements. I decided, after a year of research, that my body does a pretty good job of extracting the vitamins that I need from the food I eat, so I do not take them. What I liked about this book, was the ability to fast-forward through the sections that were less interesting to me.

Meaningful Moment:

The Government Shutdown and Zion National Park- Thankfully It’s impossible to shut down a park. I did some Desert Therapy this past week in Nevada while attending a family get together. This included a drive through the barren landscape of SW Nevada and a couple of day hikes in Zion National Park. (A BIG Thank You to all the Rangers and Federal Employees that are keeping the National Parks open during the Shutdown!) We did a hike to the Emerald Pools and then along the Virgin River to the beginning of the Narrows. Despite it being winter, there were lots of people there. But for some reason, none of that bothered me. The day before, we had done a short day trip to Hoover Dam where there were lots of people as well.

This day was different. The walls of the valley reminded me of my hikes in the Grand Canyon, particularly the hike from Phantom Ranch to Ribbon Falls. It was as if the desert, the Virgin River, Angels Landing, and the Emerald Pools had transported me to another wonderful place. We slowed down and savored our time there. We let nature infect us.

Lessons From My Clients:

Never Go to Bed Angry! Sometimes the lessons I learn are simple. I was speaking to an older client this week about her relationships with family members. She recounted hearing her mother telling a friend that was having marital problems, to “Never go to bed angry!” It’s interesting that this was wisdom that Elsie (not her real name) overheard from her mother back in the Fifties. I think it’s fascinating that her mother didn’t actually tell her that, or at least it’s her recollection that she learned it indirectly by overhearing it. Think about the things that your children overhear you say to your friends and extended family members. We could expound about the wisdom of “Not letting the sun go down upon your wrath,” but I think it’s also important to ponder the ways that we transmit these tidbits of wisdom to our children and even our grandchildren. They hear everything. Hopefully, the things they remember help them for the rest of their lives.

My Advice for the New Year: Get Rid of Baggage!

I had some time to kill at the airport this past week and I used it to clear away some of the distractions and junk on my phone. More specifically, I unsubscribed to all of those unwanted emails that I accumulated over this past year. There were lots and lots. And then I got rid of all the apps that cluttered up my phone. And then I…..don’t look away….I unfollowed or unfriended people on my social media that, frankly, were either not a friend or just honestly annoying. I guess I have a low tolerance for people’s opinions about politics and other personal topics and I was getting tired of being dragged down into the gutters every time I opened Facebook. You are what you eat. You know what I mean? We can’t keep letting junk into our minds because eventually it changes us and usually not for the better. Getting rid of this year’s baggage might help you have a better year regardless of whether or not you make any resolutions. It’s kind of a reboot.

Happy New Year!!!!

 

 

 

 

The Hurried Child –Are We Creating a Generation of Anxious Children?

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I first read David Elkind’s book, “The Hurried Child,” while in graduate school almost 25 years ago. It provided a course of treatment for me to use with families and their children. I encouraged families to relax and limit the stress that they imposed upon their kids. This stress usually took the form of over-involvement in extra-curricular activities and pressure to excel academically. Elkind asserted then and continues to in the 25th Anniversary edition of his book, that we are rushing our kids through childhood and contributing serious problems with anxiety and depression.

“The concept of childhood, so vital for a child’s healthy development,” he writes, “is threatened with extinction in the society we have created. Today’s child has become the unwilling, unintended victim of overwhelming stress –the stress borne of rapid, bewildering social change and constantly rising expectations.”

People need stress. It’s very important for our body to function and can help create creativity and motivation for being productive in society.

But chronic stress is very harmful and can lead to health issues such as, cardiovascular disease, obesity, and anxiety, just to name a few.

“For some children, Elkind summarizes, “chronic stress is translated into what Freud called “free-floating anxiety,” in the sense that it is not attached to a specific fear of apprehension.”

Childhood Anxiety is becoming an epidemic in our country.

I think Elkind is careful to spread the blame to several institutions for this rise in stress and anxiety with kids and not just parents. These include: the family system, schools, the media, and the internet. I recently reviewed the book, “IGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids are growing up less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy, and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood,” by Jean Twenge, PH.D. “Whereas teens used to hear about social events through whispers,” she writes, “they can now see up-to-the-minutes pictures of exactly what they are missing.” Children and teens are being robbed of the peace and safety of living in the “here and now.”

I remember many things about my childhood: playing with my brother Tim, building forts, and watching Saturday cartoons. I grew up during the Vietnam war and remember seeing soldiers on the evening news. Also, the threat of nuclear holocaust was a constant fear in the 60’s. But we used most of our days living like kids: playing in the here and now.

Unbeknownst to us, we we’re practicing a form of Mindfulness! Playing in the here and now!

Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Behavior Therapy-For Children

At True North Counseling, we want to help children and teens cope with stress and anxiety. We want to help children and teens get better connected with themselves and with the “here and now.” We do this through Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Behavior Therapy-For Children (MBCBT-C). This is done in a group setting and uses evidence-based strategies to help them cope with stress. We utilize graduate-school students and provide this group treatment at no charge to the children and teens that we see for Individual and Family Therapy. If you would like to utilize this service, call 502-777-7525 to set up an assessment for your child or teen.

If you’re worried that you might be contributing to the increased stress and anxiety of your child, read Elkind’s book.  

 

A Guide to the Good Life

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“A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy,” by William B. Irvine.

I’m in Colorado visiting my two granddaughters as I write this. I started reading “A Guide to the Good Life” on the plane. It was one of the few times I wanted the flight to last longer. “Just let me finish one more chapter,” I whispered to the pilot.

This is a book about Stoicism and developing a philosophy of life. Classical Stoicism has little to do with the modern definition of a Stoic: One who is seemingly indifferent to or unaffected by joy, grief, pleasure, or pain.

“I discovered,” writes Irvine, “that the goal of the Stoics was not to banish emotion from life, but rather, to banish negative emotions.” He explains that a “philosophy of life” is the guiding principle for living, or a way of living that hopefully leads to The Good Life.

Irvine explains that The Good Life has little to do with prosperity. Many people have experienced The Good Life despite the lack of prosperity and, of course, think of all the people that are very prosperous and yet are unhappy and miserable.

I’ll be sharing several Stoic Techniques and ways of living as I digest them. They “hit a nerve” with me and I hope they will with you as well.

Stoic Technique One: Negative Visualization

At the very root of our nature is the notion that we are insatiable. We are never satisfied with what we have. Irvine describes this as the “Satisfaction Treadmill.” We desire something and acquire it. We lose interest in it. We desire something else, and so on. This is also called “Hedonic Adaptation.”

We have all witnessed this in our lives. The new car. The new computer. Fill in the blank. The result is that we experience a lack of happiness with the things in our lives, the people in our lives, our health, our job, and life itself.

One technique for getting off of this treadmill is Negative Visualization.

“This is,” Irvine writes, “the single most valuable technique in the Stoic psychological tool kit.” This technique involves periodically visualizing the possibility that the enjoyment of the people and things in your life will come to an end.

-Regarding our children, when we kiss them as they leave for school, remember that they are mortal and not something that we own. They have been given to us but possibly gone tomorrow.

-Regarding a job, visualize losing it due to no fault of your own.

-Regarding your health, reflecting on what it would mean to lose it due to an accident or illness.

-Regarding your spouse or partner, think about losing them to death or to divorce.

This is not intended to be morbid or for the purpose of robbing you of the joy that these people, activities or things bring to your life.

Rather it is intended to:

-Help you cherish every kiss from your spouse, your partner, or your child.

-Help you appreciate getting up and going to your job each day.

-Get you out and enjoy the health you do have rather than the health problems you have.

-Embrace the life that you have each day.

-Learn to desire the people and things that you already have.

Irvine concludes, “Negative Visualization, rather than making people glum, will increase the extent to which they enjoy the world around them, in as much at it will prevent them from taking that world for granted.”

There is something sobering about thinking that all things and people in our lives are temporary and impermanent. It is sobering to visualize that the life we have will come to an end and that we will eventually lose everything.

This Stoic technique helps us to take live one day at a time and treat the people in our lives as precious and priceless.

I think this is a worthy Philosophy of Life that will help lead us to The Good Life.

I’ll be sharing additional Stoic Techniques in upcoming Blogs. Stay tuned.

Desert Therapy

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7:00 AM, November 13, 2018, EC-1 (Elephant Canyon –Campsite 1), Canyonlands National Park, Utah

There is nothing like the silence of the desert. This very cold morning (20 degrees) is only interrupted by the quiet hiss of the Whisperlite-butane stove heating my morning coffee.

It was cold last night. I had almost all of my cold weather gear on (Expedition this and Expedition that), and bundled up in my 12-degree sleeping bag. I awoke with frozen condensation on the inside of my tent. As I write this, I’m sitting on my 1 lb Helinox chair while the sun is rising.

As I gaze on the canyon walls, the cedars, the dry stream bed, I have a sense that I’m better than most people, but no, rather luckier than most people. Very few eyes, relatively speaking, have witnessed a morning like this, in this place. This place is only for those that are willing to pay the toll. And the toll for this place was a 4-mile hike with 60 lbs. on my back, scrambling in and out of canyons and over slip rock.

As I witnessed this new day in the desert canyon, I remembered that I had carried Edward Abbey’s book “Desert Solitaire,” with me, not the paperback, but the digital copy in my kindle.

And so, I spent the morning soaking up the sun and browsing Abbey’s work.

“Wilderness” he wrote,” is not a luxury but a necessity of the human spirit, and as vital to our lives as water and good bread. A civilization which destroys what little remains of the wild, the spare, the original, is cutting itself off from its origins and betraying the principle of civilization itself.”

Abbey wrote his autobiography after spending two seasons in the late 1950’s as a park ranger in Arches National Park. He fell in love with the canyons and the desert. It became part of him.

“The love of wilderness is more than a hunger for what is always beyond reach; it is also an expression of loyalty to the earth, the earth which bore us and sustains us, the only home we shall ever know, the only paradise we ever need—if only we had the eyes to see.”

The wilderness changed him and it changes anyone willing to spend time in it.

It can heal you.

I had come here for healing. Not because of the people and things in my life. But because I needed to become a better person for the people and things in my life: to be a better counselor, a better partner, a better parent, and most importantly, a better human. The water was boiling. The sun was warming me now. It felt wonderful!

Friday Waypoints- 11/30/18

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Lessons from my Clients

Solomon (not his real name) reminded me that my efforts and the efforts of the team of people in his life are not in vain.

Solomon is a 26-year old young man, who watched his mother murdered in front of him when he was around 5 years old. She was beaten to death by a jealous boyfriend. Solomon bounced around in what has been called “foster-care drift” for the rest of his childhood. He was sexually abused by the two grown sons of one foster parent. He didn’t finish High School and spent 4 ½ years in jail and prison until they asked me to work with him a couple of years ago. His Case Manager, Abby, from Centerstone has been in court on every occasion and he’s now off probation. He had no ID and no Birth Certificate in order to get an ID. He was denied disability despite his Intellectual Disability. I could go on and on. I helped him order a Birth Certificate from Illinois and we got his ID. Abby has insured that he had a place to live and food every week and TARC tickets to get around town. Chris, from Centerstone is a Job Coach and has a job lined up for him. Mr. Williams from Goodwill is helping Solomon get his GED. Mr. Williams, noticed that Solomon has missed a couple of classes and called Solomon to make sure he didn’t miss any more.

I’ve seen him grow during these past two years. Really, I’ve seen him grow up.

We’ve become his family. Maybe the parents that he didn’t have. We care about him. I pick him up and we talk. I take him to Sunergos Coffee and get him a “fancy drink.”

It’s one of his favorite places.

Mine too!

Book I’m Reading

I continue to study, “A Guide to the Good Life,” by William Irvine. I decided that this would be my Holiday gift to family and friends.

The second Stoic Technique that Irvine shares is “The Dichotomy of Control.” The essence of this technique involves figuring out how much control you have over people, places, and things and then setting goals in your life that reflect the control that you have over those things. As an example, if you decide to play Tennis, it would be helpful to set goals that do not frustrate you and take away your tranquility. “Playing tennis” is an activity that you have some control, but not complete control (sooner or later you’re going to lose).

Instead of setting the unrealistic “external” goal of winning, Irvine suggests that you set an “internal” goal such as: To improve your tennis skills over the course of the next year. You have some control over that.

I encourage you to join me and study the book and begin practicing the Stoic Techniques that lead to the Good Life! More techniques are coming!!!

 

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